Intense Peeta
by Sir Bagelio
Summary: In Panem, there has been a civil rights movement to dispose of people with bad table manners. Due to Effie's evil plan, of course. Reviewers can send random gifts that may affect the storyline.  The early chapters are old, it gets better!
1. Introduction

**NOTE: I hardly put any effort into this at all, so it most likely won't be a good fanfic, but I can guarentee it will be hilarious at many points, although this isn't really written in high quality lines. This may take a few chapters to really start to get funny. I will try to update this every day or two. Alright, here it goes. Would appreciate constructive critism. R&R!**

Peeta yawns, tries to get out of bed but realizes he isn't in a bed at all.

Peeta says: "What the heck? I'm not in my house. I'm somewhere in the wilderness."

Effie's voice rings out across the wilderness saying: "I WAS NEVER ON YOUR SIDE. I WILL DESTROY ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE BAD TABLE MANNERS."

Peeta says: "You'll destroy all who have bad table manners. OH, OH."

Effie says: "Yes. Anyone who has had bad table manners in the past will get transported to this arena to get pwned by my brand new portable missile launcher."

Peeta says: "Portable missile launcher?"

Effie says: "Yes, the missile launcher is pointing at you, if you care about your life."

DUN DUN DUN!

Peeta says: "WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Effie says: "Somewhere in the Capitol and you're somewhere out in some random wilderness. Oh yeah, and you can get sponsors that want people with bad table manners to live, but I will only be letting BAD gifts in. Since you have bad table manners, I wonder if the bad gifts would pwn you, but oh well. Goodbye for now."

Peeta says: "Darn."

Peeta hears a missile.

Peeta says: "Shoot. I won't get my chance to go out with Katniss after all."

The sound of the missile gets louder.

Peeta sees a white package floating down from the sky!

Peeta says: "A GIFT! FOR ME! I NEED IT!"

Meanwhile, at the Capitol...

Effie says: "Good morning, Haymitch. It's time for another BIG, BIG, BIG DAY!"

Haymitch says: "What? But the Hunger Games aren't on."

Effie says: "That's too bad."

Effie picks Haymitch up and stuffs him into a package used for gifts in the Hunger Games!

Haymitch says: "HEY, HEY, HEY! STOP! THIS IS PHYSICAL BULLYING!"

Effie closes the box with Haymitch inside it.

Effie says: "Too bad."

Haymitch says: "What did I ever do to you? DESTROY."

Haymitch begins to eminate an aura of power.

Effie quickly sends Haymitch to the arena for people with bad table manners.

Haymitch begins to shoot fireballs at where he thinks Effie is, but since he's already above the arena, he's shooting fireballs downwards, sending danger at whoever's below.

Meanwhile, in the arena...

The gift is almost in Peeta's reach!

The missile hits the gift!

The gift is on top of the missile!

Peeta says: "Darn. Close enough. Might as well try again, though."

Peeta runs in the direction of where the missile went.

Peeta hears an explosion.

Peeta says: "Too late. I didn't expect to run faster than a missile, anyways."

The gift, which somehow survived the blast zooms toward Peeta and hit him in the face, knocking him unconscious.

About 1 hour later...

Peeta wakes up.

Peeta sees the gift that knocked him unconscious as well as another larger gift beside it that's shooting fireballs.

Peeta says: "A fireball-emitting gift? THAT'S DANGEROUS! I should dispose of it now."

Peeta kicks the fireball-emitting gift off of a nearby cliff, causing it to land in the stream below.

Meanwhile, inside the box of the gift that just landed in the stream...

Haymitch feels around the inside of the box.

It begins to feel damp.

Haymitch realizes that the box is sinking underwater.

DUN DUN DUN!

Meanwhile, at Peeta...

Peeta says: "Well, that's done. Time to see what the other gift is."

Peeta opens the gift that hit him in the face.

Peeta finds a COOL DEVICE!

Peeta says: "Wow! A COOL DEVICE! COOL!"

COOL DEVICE begins to glow red!

COOL DEVICE explodes!

Peeta gets launched through the air.

Peeta didn't think that was very cool.

Peeta lands on the ground beside the stream and goes unconscious.

Meanwhile, at Haymitch inside of the box...

Haymitch is losing air fast!

Haymitch begins to rock inside of the box!

The box floats onto the shore of the stream!

The water drains out of the box!

Haymitch can't believe he's alive!

Haymitch faints.

Meanwhile, 1 hour later at Peeta...

Peeta wakes up!

Peeta says: "Stupid COOL DEVICE container object item thingy."

Peeta remembers the gift he kicked into the stream that shot fire.

Peeta thinks: Ah! MAYBE IT WAS A FLAMETHROWER! IT COULD BE USEFUL TO SURVIVE OUT HERE!

Peeta runs to the stream and sees a box by the shore.

Peeta opens the box!

Peeta sees Haymitch!

Peeta says: "Wow! I got an apprentice!"

Haymitch says: "Uugh... Where am I? What happened? Who are you?"

Peeta says: "I am your master. BOW DOWN TO ME."

Haymitch says: "Bother."

Peeta says: "Let's see some fireball magic like you did before!"

Haymitch says: "Wait a second... you're Peeta!"

Peeta says: "How do you know my name? YOU STALKER."

Haymitch says: "I was your mentor for the 74th Hunger Games."

Peeta says: "Haymitch? OH YEAH. But how did you shoot fire?"

Haymitch says: "That's the effects of being exposed to radiactive bathroom plungers for several years."

Peeta says: "Oh. That's intense."

Haymitch says: "Indeed."

Peeta says: "What's actually happening, anyways?"

Haymitch says: "Effie has been acting evil and has formed a hatred for bad table manners. More people will probably be turning up in this old arena used for the 38th Hunger Games."

Peeta says: "You still remember that?"

Haymitch says: "Yes. I'm amazing like that."

Peeta says: "What do we do now?"

Haymitch says: "Get back up these cliffs. This area is surrounded by them."

Peeta says: "How are we supposed to do that?"

Haymitch says: "No idea."

Peeta says: "Bother."

**ATTENTION, REVIEWERS! You may send 2 gifts per chapter to a character in the arena (currently either Peeta or Haymitch). One must be useful and the other must be harmful to the character. I'll be sure to include all the gifts posted in reviews every chapter and post the character's reactions to it and what he/she will use it for. It will also help if the gift is completely random. Once there are at least 3 gifts posted by reviewers, I will post chapter 2. R&R!**


	2. Cliff Ascent

**NOTE: Only two gifts were sent during the production of chapter 1. I said I wanted at least 3, but TOO BAD, PUNK.**

Peeta says: "I'm bored."

Haymitch says: "I'm more bored."

Peeta says: "No, I'm more bored."

Haymitch says: "Admit it, you're less bored than I am."

Peeta says: "No, I'm clearly more bored."

Haymitch says: "Shut up."

Peeta says: "No. Anyways, how are we supposed to ascend the cliffs?"

Haymitch says: "We aren't."

Peeta says: "Darn."

Haymitch says: "Sorry, but we've already failed. Effie will cover the world with good eating manners. YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULD YOU? Too bad we can't do anything about it."

Peeta says: "Indeed."

Haymitch says: "Hey, look! A gift! Above you!"

Peeta says: "A GIFT! I SEE IT!"

Haymitch says: "Its parachute hasn't deployed, and it's falling pretty fast."

Peeta says: "OH, OH!"

The gift falls onto Peeta, knocking him unconscious, and rolls harmlessly to the ground.

Haymitch says: "Ooh! The gift is for Peeta! PEETA DOESN'T DESERVE ANY GIFTS. I MUST GET RID OF IT."

Haymitch tosses the gift up to the top of the cliff!

Peeta wakes up!

Peeta says: "YOU FOOL!"

Haymitch says: "I didn't do it."

Peeta says: "Then who did?"

Haymitch says: "No idea."

Peeta says: "YOU LIAR."

Haymitch thinks: Oh, shoot.

Peeta says: "YOU HAVE AN IDEA. WHERE DID THE THIEF GO?"

Haymitch thinks: Oh, okay,

Haymitch points in the direction of the cliff that's farthest away and says: "Uh... that way!"

Peeta says: "OK."

Peeta runs in that direction.

Haymitch says: "Phew, that was close."

Peeta stops and says: "What was that?"

Haymitch says: "Uh, nothing."

Peeta keeps running and says: "Alright."

Haymitch says: "That was close too. Lucky me. At least Peeta doesn't have his gift now. Now what do I do?"

Meanwhile, at Peeta...

Peeta trips and seems to die.

Haymitch comes to follow Peeta, but sees him apparently dead.

Haymitch says: "PEETA IS DEAD! How did he die?"

Peeta says: "I tripped."

Haymitch says: "Oh, okay... WAIT, WHAT?!"

Peeta says: "What?"

Haymitch says: "Peeta! You're alive! I HATE YOU!!!"

Peeta says: "I'm exhausted."

Haymitch says: "Already? You only walked for a few feet, you lazy bum."

Peeta randomly falls asleep.

Haymitch says: "Cheater pants. Now I have to figure out how to get out of here myself."

Haymitch sees a gift falling from above!

Haymitch says: "Hey! I haven't gotten a gift since my last Hunger Games!"

The parachute hasn't deployed yet.

Haymitch says: "I'm clearly smarter than Peeta."

Haymitch moves out of the way of the falling gift.

The gift hits the ground and a quacking sound is heard.

Haymitch says: "Great. Maybe Peeta was smarter after all since he served as a cusion."

The gift quacks again.

Haymitch says: "GOD? IS THAT YOU? GET ME OUT OF HERE."

The gift quacks, louder this time.

Haymitch says: "Oh, it's the gift."

Haymitch opens the gift and finds a duck!

The duck walks around a bit.

Haymitch says: "I thought the duck was supposed to be broken. Stupid duck. Ah, well."

Haymitch picks up the duck.

A laser shoots out of the duck's butt!

The laser hits a nearby tree, causing it to begin to tilt towards Peeta, who's still sleeping.

Haymitch says: "PEETA!"

Haymitch sets down the laser-shooting duck and jumps into the sleeping Peeta, knocking him out of the way of the tree, just as it fell down onto where Peeta just was.

Haymitch says: "Phew, that was close."

Peeta says: "Huh? What did I miss?"

Haymitch says: "The thief got away."

Peeta says: "What thief?... OH YEAH."

Peeta gets up and runs in the direction that Haymitch lied about.

Haymitch walks back to the duck.

Haymitch says: "Alright, duck. Let's see how you work like that."

Haymitch pokes the duck with a stick!

A laser shoots out of the ducks butt!

Haymitch says: "Aha! Whenever something touches the duck, a laser shoots out of it's butt! COOL!"

Haymitch picks up the duck and points it at one of the cliffsides!

A laser shoots out of the duck's butt and begins to fry the cliffside!

The cliff begins to collapse, forming a ramp!

Haymitch says: "Aha! So that's how I can get out of here!"

Haymitch walks up using the ramp and takes Peeta's gift.

Haymitch opens Peeta's gift and finds some salty crackers!

Haymitch says: "Sorry Peeta, but you fell for it. This gift is now rightfully mine."

Haymitch eats one of the salty crackers.

Haymitch says: "Very salty."

Very salty indeed.

So salty that Haymitch passed out and fell off of the cliffside.

1 hour later...

Peeta comes back and sees Haymitch laying on the ground.

Peeta wakes Haymitch up!

Haymitch says: "Very salty."

Peeta says: "What?"

Haymitch says: "PEETA! I-"

Peeta says: "YOU DID SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS."

Peeta walks up the ramp of the cliff and finds the opened package labeled "PEETA" and the crackers.

Peeta says: "MY GIFT! HAYMITCH, YOU LIAR! THERE WAS NO THIEF! YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO GET RID OF ME!"

Haymitch says: "You don't say..."

Haymitch runs up the ramp and takes the crackers and stands beside the duck.

The duck points it's butt at Peeta.

Haymitch puts a cracker in the duck's butt.

The cracker shoots out of the duck's butt, charged like a laser.

Peeta jumps out of the way!

The charged cracker explodes where Peeta just was!

Haymitch says: "Very salty."

Peeta thinks: Very salty? Aha! I remember that my dad said that too much salt may make people faint.

Peeta begins to make his way towards Haymitch!

Haymitch stuffs another cracker up the duck's butt.

The cracker shoots out of the duck's butt, followed by a laser!

Peeta jumps out of the way of the cracker and dodges the laser!

The cracker explodes!

Haymitch says: "WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA. YOU HAVE SKILLS."

Haymitch shoves three crackers up the duck's butt.

The three crackers zoom back out of the duck's butt quite fast.

Peeta tries to dodge it, but fails.

A huge explosion occurs from the crackers!

Peeta gets launched backwards back to the bottom of the cliff!

Peeta goes unconscious.

Haymitch says: "You lose. I used up 5 out of 30 crackers, though. I don't think I should eat these. They do make good ammunition and traps, though. Very salty."

1 hour later...

Peeta wakes up again and walks up the ramp.

Haymitch, the duck, and the crackers are nowhere to be seen.

Peeta says: "Darn. He's gone. Cracker stealer. At least it's possible to escape these cliffs now."

Peeta sets out to look for Haymitch.

**Will Peeta be able to get his crackers back from Haymitch? Find out in the next chapter of Intense Peeta! I hope this chapter was better than the first. Send in more gifts, please.**


	3. Operation Crackers

NOTE: I just noticed that the bag of salty crackers was supposed to be a bag of salted pretzels. Oops. Ah, well.

Peeta says: "Alrighty! Time to get my crackers back from Haymitch! It's time to begin Operation Crackers!"

Peeta walks for a bit and sees the missile launcher from earlier.

Peeta says: "Oh, hi. You're... dangerous."

Meanwhile, at Effie...

Evil music plays!

Effie says: "I have a gift that really oughta make 'em cry!"

Effie sends a gift with dynamite inside of it to Peeta!

Meanwhile, at Peeta...

Peeta runs.

Peeta gets out of missileshot of the missile launcher.

Peeta says: "Phew! That was close!"

Just then the gift fell on Peeta, knocking him unconscious.

Haymitch looks out from behind a tree!

Haymitch says: "Oh hey, this gift is for Peeta!"

Haymitch takes the gift and runs a safe distance.

Haymitch opens the gift and finds dynamite!

Dynamite explodes!

Haymitch says: "Ouch."

Haymitch gets knocked unconscious.

Effie says: "That wasn't supposed to happen."

Peeta wakes up and finds Haymitch.

Peeta takes the crackers!

Peeta says: "SUCCESS! That was easy!... or too easy."

Peeta eats one of the crackers.

Peeta says: "Very salty. OH, WAIT. OOPS."

Peeta faints before he could spit out the cracker.

1 hour later...

Peeta wakes up just as Haymitch wakes up.

Haymitch takes the bad of crackers and runs.

A large gift falls from the sky.

The gift hits the ground and opens, causing a tub of applesauce to tip over.

Haymitch trips into the applesauce.

Haymitch and the bag of crackers get stuck in the applesauce.

Peeta says: "MY CRACKERS!"

Haymitch says: "This applesauce is extremely sticky. I'm stuck and I can't budge. I'm really thirsty, too."

A gift parachutes down with a label that says: "HAYMITCH. Thirsty, eh?"

Peeta says: "It's for you, Haymitch!"

Peeta opens the gift and finds a bottle of water.

Haymitch says: "YES."

Peeta says: "You promise you won't be evil like that again?"

Haymitch says: "Fine."

Peeta says: "Very well. Open up for the choo-choo train!

Peeta pours all of the contents of the bottle into Haymitch's mouth.

Peeta waits for Haymitch to experience the relief, but none came.

Haymitch instantly begins coughing and says: "THAT BOTTLE WAS PAINT. I NEED WATER. FAST."

Peeta runs in search of a lake. He is sure he would never make it in time. However, he sees a small spring.

Peeta fills up the bottle and runs back to Haymitch.

As Peeta pours the water from the bottle into Haymitch's mouth, he remembers how hungry and thirsty he is, too. He knows that he's no good at hunting, though.

Peeta says: "I just remembered, we need to find some food."

Haymitch says: "Yeah. I'm starving. Thanks for washing that paint down. The difficult part is going to be to digest it. I'm still stuck in this applesauce, though. See if you can find something to get me out of here."

Peeta says: "Okay."

Haymitch says: "Oh yeah, and I remember seeing a piece of paper beside the missile launcher. If a piece of paper is being guarded by a missile launcher, then it must be pretty valuable. But before we deal with the missile launcher, you have to get me out of here and then we should find food. Now go! Time's running out!"

Peeta walks back to the spring and drinks from it, wondering how he's going to find food. First of all, he has to free Haymitch from the applesauce.

Peeta takes the bottle that originally contained the paint and fills it up with water.

Peeta takes the water bottle back and pours it on the applesauce that Haymitch is stuck in.

Haymitch says: "Good idea, but that didn't help. Oh yeah, and I almost forgot. You'll need someone to keep you company."

Haymitch makes a sound somewhere between a shout and a quack.

The laser-shooting duck appears and flies down!

Haymitch says: "Whenever you see an enemy, just pick up the duck and point its butt at it. Lasers will fry it, just as I tried to fry you. Good luck."

Peeta says: "Okay, thanks."

Peeta walks back to the spring, followed by the duck, and fills up the water bottle again.

Peeta walks aimlessly for about 10 minutes and eventually finds a giant toaster.

Peeta says: "WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA. THIS TOASTER IS HUGE."

A gift lands on top of the toaster!

Peeta says: "Hey! A gift!"

Peeta runs up a ramp to the top of the toaster and opens the gift.

It's just a ballpoint pen.

Peeta says: "How is a pen supposed to help me?"

Peeta takes the ballpoint off of the pen out of frustration.

A bronze sword appears out of where the ballpoint was.

Peeta drops the sword out of suprise.

The sword falls into the toaster.

??? says: "YOU FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU LOST RIPTIDE!"

Peeta says: "Riptide? That was the name of the sword? And who are you?"

??? says: "Yes, that sword-pen was Riptide, and you just lost it. I am Zeus, the king of the Gods. Prepare to die for losing a famous weapon."

Peeta says: "Okay. WAIT, WHAT?! The Gods are going to destroy me? I need to get out of here!"

Zeus says: "There's no point in running, mortal. You don't stand a chance. HADES, DESTROY HIM!"

The ground rumbles and 10 zombies come out of the ground.

Peeta picks up the duck and points it butt at one of the zombies!

A laser shoots out of the duck's butt and hits the zombie!

Zombie 1 is defeated!

Peeta says: "Haymitch, you genius."

Peeta sweeps the laser rightwards, defeating Zombies 2 and 3.

Peeta says: "I guess ducks are useful for something."

Peeta continues, defeating Zombie 4.

Peeta says: "I learned something about nature. Supernatural ducks."

Peeta sweeps the laser right some more, defeating Zombies 5-7.

Peeta says: "Insert duck-praising comment here."

Peeta uses the laser to fry Zombie 8!

Zombie 10 begins to sneak up behind Peeta!

DUN DUN DUN!

Peeta fries Zombie 9 with the laser!

Zombie 9 is defeated!

Zombie 10 whacks Peeta!

Peeta gets knocked into a tree, causing an apple to fall on his head!

Peeta says: "Ow."

The duck begins to walk away!

Peeta says: "NO, WAIT! COME BACK!"

Peeta dives for the duck and grabs it!

Unfortunately, its butt is facing Peeta.

Peeta manages to turn the duck away, only getting a few burns on his face.

Peeta says: "OOOWWWWWWWWW! That really hurt. Now I have to wait for these burns to heal. Stupid laser."

Peeta points the laser at Zombie 10!

Zombie 10 is defeated!

Poseidon says: "Not bad, mortal. Apparently Hades wasn't enough. You'll be nothing after I attack you, though."

Peeta turns and sees tons of water rushing towards him!

Peeta jumps onto the duck!

Peeta says: "GIDDYUP, HORSEY!"

The duck runs very fast. The laser coming out of its butt increases its speed significately.

Peeta rides on the duck.

The water is fast, but the duck is faster. However, the water begins to gain on the duck.

Peeta says: "This is intense."

The duck jumps with a boost from its laser and lands in a tall tree, watching as all of the water passes below.

Peeta says: "Phew. Close call there. I hope Haymitch is okay."

Poseidon says: "Darn."

Zeus says: "Sigh. If I need a job done right, I'll just do it myself."

Peeta says: "Please don't kill me."

Peeta rides the duck away as fast as he can.

A lightning bolt hits where they just were!

More lightning bolts hit the ground near the duck.

The duck swerves to avoid lightning.

The duck crashes into a tree!

Peeta says: "Ow. Bother."

Peeta and the duck fall backwards into a hole!

Peeta says: "I think we're safe in here."

Zeus says: "Fine, mortal. I'll spare you."

Peeta says: "Phew."

Peeta and the duck climb out of the hole and begin to make their way back to Haymitch.

Meanwhile, at Haymitch...

Haymitch says: "Wow. I can't believe I survived that random water rush. I wonder where all that water came from. Maybe it was from the Gods! Wait, that's nonsense, there are no such things as Gods."

Peeta says: "Haymitch! I just got spoken to by the Gods!"

Haymitch says: "Bother."

Peeta says: "They tried to kill me!"

Haymitch says: "Who wouldn't want to kill you?"

Peeta says: "No idea."

Haymitch says: "Indeed."

Peeta says: "Are you okay?"

Haymitch says: "Yeah. The applesauce held me in place, so I didn't get shoved about into stuff or whatever. Luckily the water made me a bit more loose from the applesauce."

Peeta begins to try to pull Haymitch out of the applesauce!

Haymitch says: "That clearly won't work."

Peeta pulls harder!

Haymitch says: "Give up, you're just wasting energy."

Peeta pulls even harder!

Haymitch says: "You won't succeed."

Haymitch gets pulled out of the applesauce!

Peeta says: "YOU LIAR."

Haymitch says: "Bother."

Peeta says: "I KNEW I WOULD SUCCEED. Oh yeah, I want to show you something. Follow me."

Haymitch says: "Okay. How did the duck do?"

Peeta says: "Excellent. It runs really fast. Probably saved my life."

Haymitch says: "How about we call the duck Laser Duck?"

Peeta says: "Sure!"

Haymitch says: "Okay. WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA."

Peeta says: "Yes, this is a very large toaster, isn't it?"

Haymitch says: "Yeah."

Peeta says: "I dropped Riptide into it."

Haymitch says: "Riptide?"

Peeta says: "A legendary sword from the Gods."

Haymitch says: "Gods don't exist."

Peeta says: "You have to ."

Haymitch says: "In Santa?"

Peeta says: "Not just him."

Haymitch says: "Stuff?"

Peeta says: "No."

Haymitch says: "The drugs that I get high on?"

Peeta says: "I give up."

Haymitch says: "Woohoo. Gods don't exist. I win."

Peeta says: "I need you to help me get Riptide out of the giant toaster."

Haymitch says: "Okay."

Peeta and Haymitch walk up the ramp.

Haymitch jumps off the side and lands on the button!

Riptide flies out of the toaster like toast!

Peeta jumps up and grabs Riptide!

Peeta says: "Woohoo! Operation Crackers was a SUCCESS!"

Haymitch says: "Riptide could be useful for hunting. Now we need some food."

Peeta says: "Yeah."

Peeta sees a very large gift falling down from the sky in the distance!

Peeta says: "Hey! I saw a big gift fall a short ways from here! Maybe it's a banquet!"

Peeta and Haymitch run for a bit and find the large gift!

The large gift tears open and a giant cinnamon toast crunch comes out!

Peeta and Haymitch say: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Giant cinnamon toast crunch eats Haymitch!

Peeta runs.

Peeta dodges through trees.

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta keeps running!

Peeta sees the missile launcher!

Peeta says: "Oh... oh my."

Missile launcher shoots a missile at Peeta!

CLIFFHANGER.

REVIEWERS: This chapter was longer than the first two. What do you think? And send more gifts while you're reviewing too, please. 


	4. Author's Note

Meanwhile, at somewhere...

A rather large gift falls down!

Sir Bagelio opens the gift from the inside!

Sir Bagelio says: "I'm an annoying Hunger Games fanboy sent in a gift, see? No offense to me, but I'm the one who wrote this fanfic, so oh well. Anyways, to my point.

It's really been a while and I haven't laid a finger on this fanfic for NINE MONTHS! I've looked through the fanfic and noticed that everyone is seriously out of character. Also, the formatting for this fanfic is terrible, knowing that I'm a lot better at writing now than I was when I first wrote this. This is where I need your opinions...

Should I keep going with this fanfic the way it is, start a new one that will be about a hilariously messed up SYOT, or both?" 


	5. Grapple Time

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I apologize for not updating this for 9 months. I was busy with school-related things. I'll get back to work now! And thanks for sending in lots of gifts! As for my new upcoming fanfic, I'm not quite sure what it's going to be yet. I guess I'll come up with it later.**

Peeta rolls onto the ground!

The missile flies over Peeta and hits the giant cinammon toast crunch!

Giant cinammon toast crunch blows up and is defeated!

Haymitch climbs out of the defeated giant cinammon toast crunch's mouth!

Another gift falls from the sky!

Peeta says: "I'm not going to trust any gift unless I actually know what it is."

The gift hits the ground and collapses open!

Two evil opossums come out!

Evil opossums scratch Peeta's face!

Peeta says: "OWWWWWW..."

Peeta falls backwards!

Haymitch runs forward and sticks the evil opossums in the missile launcher!

Missile launcher tries to shoot a missile!

Missile launcher blows up!

Missile launcher is defeated!

The paper gets launched up into the sky and begins to get blown by the wind!

Peeta says: "THE PAPER!"

Haymitch says: "YOU CHASE IT, THERE ARE 2 MORE GIFTS FALLING TOWARDS US!"

Peeta chases the paper!

Haymitch dodges the gifts as they almost hit him!

Haymitch says: "Good grief. I swear Effie is trying to get the gifts to kill us even before they're unwrapped."

The larger gift opens and an evil knight walks out!

Knight says: "Ni!"

Haymitch says: "What?"

Knight says: "NI!"

Haymitch says: "Erm..."

Knight says: "NIIIII!"

Knight draws its sword!

Haymitch says: "I figured you'd say that."

Haymitch opens the second gift!

It's popcorn!

Haymitch says: "Here, have some popcorn!"

Haymitch hands popcorn to Knight!

Knight says: "Ni!"

Knight eats the popcorn!

Knight blows up!

Knight is defeated!

Haymitch says: "HOLY-"

The remainders of the popcorn fall over and blow up!

Haymitch gets launched into the air!

Haymitch says: "I guess it was explosive popcorn."

Haymitch hits a tree and gets knocked unconscious.

Meanwhile, at Peeta...

Peeta can almost reach the paper!

Peeta jumps for the paper!

A gift falls on Peeta and knocks him down!

Peeta says: "Stupid gift. I almost had the paper that time."

Peeta sits up and opens the gift.

Peeta finds a grappling hook!

Peeta says: "Cool! But how do I use this thing?"

Peeta uses the grappling hook to grab onto the paper!

Grappling hook pulls Peeta up to the paper!

Peeta says: "Um... Crud."

Peeta falls!

Peeta goes unconscious.

Another gift slowly floats down from above.

Meanwhile...

Haymitch wakes up!

Haymitch says: "Good God. How many times have we gone unconscious in this fanfic?"

Zeus says: "A lot. Sadly, I've been counting."

Haymitch says: "WHO WAS THAT? Must have been the wind."

Haymitch uses the Laser Duck to track down Peeta.

Haymitch finds Peeta unconscious!

Haymitch says: "I JUST KNEW I'D FIND HIM LIKE THIS! WOW!"

Haymitch wakes Peeta up!

Peeta says: "I'M FRIGGIN' FALLING! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-wait, what happened?"

Haymitch says: "You tell me."

Peeta says: "I found the paper. And a handy grappling hook."

Haymitch says: "Cool! Let's look at the paper! Wait, what's that big gift that's coming down?"

Peeta says: "You mean the air?... Oh, you mean that honking huge gift that's about to crush me."

Haymitch says: "Yes."

Peeta steps out of the way of the gift."

Haymitch says: "'Bout time you came to your senses for once."

Peeta opens the gift!

Peeta says: "IT'S AN ATOM BOMB!"

Haymitch says: "Oh, joy. This is the safest one yet."

Peeta says: "Oh yeah, it's already counting down, too."

Haymitch says: "WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? LET'S DEFUSE IT!"

Peeta says: "Right!"

Peeta picks up the Laser Duck!

Haymitch says: "NO, NO, NO! DON'T USE HIM FOR THIS!"

A laser shoots out of the Laser Duck's butt and hits the Atom Bomb!

Atom Bomb starts shaking violently, making crazy noises, and glows red!

The timer counts down ten times faster!

Peeta says: "Uh... Oops."

Haymitch says: "You've really outdone yourself this time, my friend."

Atom Bomb's timer hits zero!

Nothing happens!

Haymitch says: "...Oh. It was just a dud. Alright, anyways, about that paper?"

Peeta says: "It's a Magical Updating Sponsor Gift List, or MUSGL for short. Updates from MUSGL will be supplied at the end of each chapter after this short update. Here's all of the gifts and usernames so far..."

**MUSGL says: "**

**ITEM ENTRIES:**

**Salty Crackers from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 1**

**Laser Duck from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 1**

**Dynamite from Sir Bagelio after Chapter 2**

**Riptide from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 2**

**Tub of Applesauce from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 2**

**Water Bottle of Paint from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 2**

**Giant Cinnamon Toast Crunch from Vamay after Chapter 2**

**Explosive Popcorn from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 3**

**Evil Opposums from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 3**

**Something Very Destructive AKA Atom Bomb from Vamay after Chapter 3**

**Viscious Knight from LunaPadma after Chapter 3**

**Grapple from LunaPadma after Chapter 3"**

Peeta says: "How convenient."

Haymitch says: "Look! ANOTHER GIFT!"

Peeta says: "Yeah, it looks large and it's falling rather fast."

Haymitch says: "I can catch it. I can finally prove to Effie that I'm strong, regardless of being drunk or not!"

Peeta says: "What, were you trying to get Effie to be your girlfriend or something?"

Haymitch says: "Erm, no."

Haymitch extends his arms up into the air to catch the falling gift.

Haymitch gets crushed by the gift!

Peeta says: "So you're not provably strong, are you?"

Haymitch says: "Shut up and get this thing off of me."

Peeta says: "Wow. Wimp."

Peeta unwraps the gift and finds a grand piano.

Peeta says: "I'm starting to get moderately convinced that Effie's a drunkard."

Haymitch says: "What?"

Peeta says: "You heard nothing."

Haymitch says: "Just get this piano off of me!"

A gift falls on Peeta's head!

Peeta says: "Wow, I'm not even surprised about these gifts anymore... Hey, it's for you, Haymitch!"

Haymitch says: "DON'T GIVE IT TO ME, IT'S ANOTHER THING THAT WANTS TO KILL US!"

Peeta says: "You have a point there... Lots of these gifts have a tendancy to hurt us..."

Peeta nervously opens the gift and finds a pretty pink cupcake!

Peeta says: "...sometimes."

Haymitch says: "A cupcake? FINALLY! FOOD! Now just get me out from under of this dang piano."

Peeta says: "It's MY cupcake now, I'm probably hungrier than you are."

Another gift falls on Peeta's head, causing him to drop the cupcake into Haymitch's mouth!

Haymitch eats the cupcake.

Haymitch says: "That's better."

Peeta looks at the gift that just fell.

Peeta says: "I think we're going to be haunted by gifts for the rest of our lives. What do you think?"

Haymitch says: "I think you should shut up and move this piano."

A small tearing mark begins to appear on the gift.

A ravenous man-eating squirrel jumps out from the gift and leaps towards Peeta!

Peeta says: "AHHH!"

Peeta ducks!

The man-eating squirrel hits the piano and explodes, destroying both itself and the piano!

Haymitch says: "Sheesh. If you can't rely on Peeta to do something, you have to rely on something unreliable. And that says something."

Peeta says: "Oh, shut up. I just want to go home. We're stuck in a recycled arena. I guess you could call this the Seventy-Fifth-and-a-Halfth Hunger Games. I'm still hungry, after all."

Haymitch shrugs.

Haymitch says: "Well, let's scout around randomly, maybe we'll find something. Of course, let's do it separately. No one wants to be around you, especially ME."

Haymitch stomps off.

Peeta thinks: This is all the piano's fault. But does anyone actually want to be with me? Wait...

Peeta freezes.

Peeta thinks: Katniss?

Peeta freezes in his freeze-ment.

Peeta thinks: No, she's with Gale.

Peeta randomly falls onto the ground and slips into a moderately depressed sleep.

Meanwhile...

Haymitch sees three gifts falling from the sky.

Haymitch says: "It's one death trap after another again, isn't it? I know what to expect."

The gifts fall on the ground in front of Haymitch.

Haymitch points at the first gift.

Haymitch scowls: "YOU ARE A RECYCLABLE LASER-BLASTING TINY REFRIGERATOR! I PREDICT IT!"

Haymitch opens the gift.

Haymitch receives a teddy bear from the gift.

Haymitch says: "Teddy bears are close enough to refrigerators, so I predicted RIGHT!"

Haymitch opens the second gift and finds an alarm clock.

Haymitch shrugs.

Haymitch opens the third gift and gets his face scratched by a cat.

Haymitch says: "OWWWW!"

Haymitch looks at the hissing cat as he backs away.

Haymitch thinks: That cat looks familiar. I ought to go to Peeta for help!

Haymitch runs around randomly for ten minutes, chased by the cat, and eventually finds Peeta.

Haymitch sees Peeta sleeping on the ground.

Haymitch says: "Wake up, stupid! Help me out here!"

Haymitch slaps Peeta in the face!

Nothing happens.

Haymitch says: "Idiot. I'll do this the typical everyday way then."

Haymitch sets the alarm clock a millimeter from Peeta's ear.

The cat advances and scratches up Haymitch!

Haymitch says: "OW! OW! OW!"

Meanwhile...

Gale thinks: I wonder where Katniss is. She's usually here to meet me by now...

Gale stops.

Gale says: "I SMELL EVIL PIGEONS!"

Dramatic Music plays!

Meanwhile...

Haymitch is utterly scratched up and bloody, laying on the ground.

The cat sits on the ground casually.

The alarm clock rings!

Peeta doesn't wake up!

Haymitch says: "If I got wounded just for this, I swear I'm going to kill Peeta if he's not already dead."

The alarm clock shoots a Barbie doll against Peeta's head!

Peeta says: "OW!"

Peeta crushes the alarm clock with his fist!

Peeta begins crying!

Haymitch says: "Aww, is the doofus hurt?"

Peeta says: "No, it's, uh, nothing."

Peeta gets up and sees the cat.

Peeta says: "WHAT'S BUTTERCUP DOING HERE?"

Haymitch says: "That's the stupid cat that Katniss's sister Prim owned?"

Peeta says: "Well, yes."

Buttercup scratches Peeta's face!

Peeta says: "He's mad."

Haymitch throws the teddy bear he got at Buttercup!

Buttercup says: "THANK YOU! I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND NOW!"

Peeta says: "YOU JUST TALKED?"

Buttercup says: "Well, yes. I guess my overdose of heroine boosted the capabilities of my voice box. Now let me let you in on an extremely deep, dark, secret..."

Haymitch groans.

Buttercup says: "I hate ducks."

Haymitch gasps.

Buttercup says: "Is something wrong?"

Haymitch says: "I recently began to own a duck."

Buttercup says: "I hate you for all eternity now."

Buttercup walks away.

Peeta shrugs.

Peeta says: "I have a feeling we'll be seeing Buttercup again. Anyways, let's find me some food."

Haymitch says: "Firstly, I need first aid..."

Peeta says: "Whatever. I'm off to find something to eat. Surely there's a restaurant or something like that around?"

Haymitch groans.

Peeta says: "If you say so."

Peeta walks away for a few feet...

...and finds a clearing...

...with a big, red, shiny button!

Peeta says: "OOH! But maybe I should ask Haymitch about this first."

Peeta walks back to Haymitch.

Peeta says: "Haymitch, there's a big, red, and especially SHINY button in a clearing near here. Should I press it?"

Haymitch says: "Big, red, shiny, stupid buttons have a history of evilness related to things such as self-destructing various large objects. If I were you, I wouldn't press it."

Peeta says: "Since you said I shouldn't, that means I ought to go do it anyways."

Peeta walks off.

Haymitch says: "Stupid... We're both going to die."

A golden light shines upon Haymitch.

Haymitch says: "What...?"

Zeus says: "You swore you would kill Peeta if he was still alive."

Haymitch says: "So what?"

Zeus says: "You swore you would do it. As soon as you heal, go kill him."

Haymitch says: "Why should I listen to a stupid talking light? Lights don't have brains and they can't talk."

Zeus says: "I'm not a light, you idiot. I'M A GOD!"

Haymitch says: "Well, you don't exist. You are a figment of my imagination created by all my drinking over the years."

Zeus says: "You really are an idiot... YOU SWORE!"

Haymitch rolls his eyes.

Zeus says: "YOU SWOOOORE! DO YOU KNOW HOW POWERFUL SWEARING IS? IT'S LIKE, A DEDICATION TO THE GODS! SO YOU MUST KILL PEETA OR I WILL KILL YOU!"

Haymitch says: "I need to see a doctor."

Zeus says: "I'll be watching you. You'd better quit being an atheist, or, uh... something bad will happen!"

The light disappears.

Haymitch says: "Talk about brain fluctuations."

**A/N: Sorry that this chapter was a little unfunny, I had to cover tons of gifts and had to do lots of schoolwork... the next chapter will be funnier, I promise!**

**MUSGL says: "**

**ITEM ENTRIES:**

**Salty Crackers from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 1**

**Laser Duck from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 1**

**Dynamite from Sir Bagelio after Chapter 2**

**Riptide from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 2**

**Tub of Applesauce from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 2**

**Water Bottle of Paint from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 2**

**Giant Cinnamon Toast Crunch from Vamay after Chapter 2**

**Explosive Popcorn from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 3**

**Evil Opposums from LoveTheBoyWithTheBread after Chapter 3**

**Something Very Destructive AKA Atom Bomb from Vamay after Chapter 3**

**Viscious Knight from LunaPadma after Chapter 3**

**Grapple from LunaPadma after Chapter 3**

**Grand Piano from Penelope Wendy Bing after Chapter 3**

**Pretty Pink Cupcake from Penelope Wendy Bing after Chapter 3**

**Barbie Blasting Alarm Clock from The-one-who-stands-out after Chapter 3**

**Annoying Fanboy AKA Sir Bagelio from The-one-who-stands-out after Chapter 3**

**Ravenous Man Eating Squirrel from holywalrus2 after Chapter 3"**


	6. PIGEONS

**A/N: Sorry for a week-late update, I had lots to do. I'm on vacation now, though, so I should be able to get a good amount of writing done.**

Peeta closes in on the shiny red button!

Peeta jumps...

Peeta gets hit by two gifts before he reaches the button!

Peeta thinks: I guess Effie doesn't want me to touch that button. Oh well, I'll open the gifts first.

Peeta opens the first gift and finds a starship!

It's only a model starship.

Peeta says: "Cool, I guess."

Peeta puts it in his pocket.

Peeta opens the second gift.

Peeta finds soup!

Peeta says: "YES!"

Peeta prepares to drink the soup!

Large floating guns point at Peeta.

Peeta freezes.

Intercom Thingy says: "NO. You must have good manners OR YOU WILL DIE."

Peeta looks at the soup, mouth watering.

Peeta thinks: I need a spoon... maybe the red button can help!

Peeta jumps on the red button!

A huge rumbling occurs!

Suddenly, the formatting of this fanfic becomes slightly more proper...

**A/N: If you liked the format that I had, then sorry about that. I needed to change it because I couldn't go real in-depth into emotions in stuff. Even if this is a parody, I want to at least make it proper...**

Meanwhile...

Gale looks left and right. No sign of the supposedly evil pigeons, but he still smells them. He is getting desperate. What will these alleged pigeons do to him? Then he remembers. He could fight them off with a bow. He supposed he was safe.

Then he hears it. The flapping. The twisted pigeons pick him up and carry him away...

**Now to Peeta's Point of View...**

Next thing I know, I'm running from the guns. Aside from being utterly hungry, I feel great. I feel slightly more in character like I did in the original Hunger Games series, or something like that. As well as finding a spoon, I'll need some first aid for Haymitch as well. But where would I find those things? I doubt Effie would allow them to be sent in as legit gifts.

I run for a few minutes as fast as I can. I stop once I'm sure I've lost the guns. I wonder how the format got incorrect in the first place. Oh well, does it matter? Two more gifts are falling directly above me, anyways. I sidestep out of the way. After a few seconds, they land directly where I just was. Hard. Evil Effie.

I dig my hands into the wrapping of the first gift and tear it apart.

It's a photo of Katniss crying.

I cringe slightly. Even if Katniss is crying, it's one of the last pieces of her I have left, so I set it aside, planning to hang onto it.

I open the second gift and find a murple purple stuffed elephant doll. Suddenly, I'm immersed in a world with only me and the elephant. The thing is so cute! Nothing in the world can distract me now! I don't even notice a helicopter landing behind me.

**Haymitch's POV**

Peeta had better get some sort of first aid soon. These wounds feel like they're on fire. They're probably prone to getting a drink. Or getting an infection. I honestly don't get the human anatomy at all at some times.

Two gifts fall towards me. I hope they're drinks. They hit me square in the face.

If I get out of here, Effie will pay. She'll pay so much that I'll have enough money to duplicate my stash of drinks in my house in Victor's Village.

I wince as I open the gifts. A Slimfast can of weightloss drink. Oh, joy. I also got an I-Pad... with no service. What has this world come to?

I'm a little thirsty, so I decide to drink the Slimfast can of weightloss. Flavored with mangoes, chocolate, lychees, and... grapefruit. I hate grapefruit. My thirst has been quenched, though. The pretty pink cupcake from earlier also satisfied my hunger, so I guess now all I have to do is wait for Peeta.

When was my last drink? Several hours ago? I'm starting to get sober again. Soon, the horrifying memories of my dead family and sweetheart will come back. Memories or not, I hate being sober.

The stupid light shines on me again. What does it want now?

"As soon as you get back on your feet, you WILL kill Peeta, like you swore," said the light. "If you don't, then I already vaguely explained the consequences. 'Something bad' WILL happen." The light faded.

I decide to hate lights from here on out.

**Peeta's POV**

The world around me is nonexistant between me and the elephant. I feel a slap across the back of my head.

"AHHHHH!" I scream, startled from being reeled back into reality.

"Alright, Peeta, quit playing with your stuffed animals and listen to me," someone behind me says. It must be the person who slapped me. I turn around on my feet to find someone wearing fake glasses. He is grinning smugly, but when he sees my face his grin briefly changes into a scowl, then hastily reverts back into a grin again. I guess he dislikes me somehow.

"How do you know me?" I ask the fake glasses guy, who apparently walked out of a helicopter that landed a few feet behind him.

"Well, everyone knows about you. You're famous," says the fake glasses guy with a pang of jealousy.

"Who are you, and why are you here?" I ask.

"I am..." The guy hesitates. "I am Steve. I'm here to offer you a challenge." Steve somehow seems familiar. With that scowl from a minute ago and the tone of his voice, I think he's hiding something.

"What challenge?" I ask. No response. He's staring at the murple purple elephant. "Hello?"

Steve jumps. "Sorry. Where was I?" He furrows his brow. "Oh, the challenge. Right. You know that missile launcher you confronted earlier?"

"Yeah?" I say.

"There's a field of stuff near where the missile launcher was. If you can get through that field, you'll prove yourself as a worthy hero and I'll give you something very useful..." Steve walks towards the helicopter. "But before you go, I want to give you something. Here, have a spoon." He chucks it straight at my face. I catch it just before it can make an impact. "See you at the other edge of the field, if you're coming." He steps into the helicopter. The propeller roars as the helicopter lifts off the ground.

"WAIT!" I yell. "Haven't I already proven myself?"

"What?" Steve yells from the rising copter.

"HAVEN'T I ALREADY PROVEN MYSELF?" I yell again.

"I can't hear you! Tell me later!" Steve calls. The copter flies away. What is in this 'field' that Steve was referring to? Whatever it is, it's probably deadly if the reward is good. Before I reach the other side, I might be dead. I glance at the spoon in my hands. I can use it to eat the soup, but it would show that I'm complying with Effie's demands. Oh well. What better choice do I have?

Without looking directly at it, I stuff the murple purple elephant under a nearby tree trunk. Even if it's extremely cute, it's really distracting. If I ever want it later, then I can come back for it.

I set the soup down in front of me. My mouth instantly begins watering at the sight of it. I spoon it down quickly. It was delicious.

I look at the photo of Katniss crying. Why was she crying? Was it because I was being shown hopelessly separated from her across Panem because Effie overthrew Snow or something? Where did someone get this photo, anyways? I wanted to put my arm around Katniss to comfort her, but I couldn't. She was hopelessly far away. Actually, I don't even know how far away from District 12 I am. I just woke up here. I could be in the woods outside the electric fence surrounding District 12 and I wouldn't even know it. Or maybe in the lush forests in Africa.

Speaking of location, where am I right now? If I can't find Haymitch again, he's as good as dead, and I still haven't found any first-aid. I didn't run too long, did I? I could probably find a landmark again from earlier and search from there. I went over what I knew of this forest in my head. There's the giant toaster, the small spring by the sauce tub, the cliffs, the red button, and the obliterated missile launcher. I could search around aimlessly and I could find one of those.

I clasp the photo of Katniss in my hands. It almost feels as if it's vibrating. I guess it must be my imagination. I stuff it into my right pants pocket and get up. I'm thirsty now. Maybe the spring would be a nice start. I begin my trekking.

After a few minutes, I see a gift falling from the sky. I catch it. I tear it open and find a water gun. Water. I chomp the gun down. Stainless steel flavored with lots of water. Nice.

With my thirst quenched, I feel much better and more energized. I see the laser duck walking around. I get a fabulous idea. I stuff four of my salty crackers up it's butt. I sit on it and before I know it I'm high up in the sky. All I can hear is a ringing. I look down and see a great view of the forest. I point the laser duck so its butt is facing downwards as to make the laser slow our descent. I see the telltale silver glimmer of the giant toaster. Before landing, however, I scan the horizon for anything. There's nothing but forest in three directions, but in one direction there's charred black land with very few trees and several things I can't recognize. Is that supposed to be the field that Steve was referring to?

I focus on landing on top of the giant toaster. I end up stuffing a few more crackers up the duck's butt to help fuel our slow decent. By the time we land, I have fifteen more crackers. Good, but still not too many. The duck leads me to Haymitch.

Haymitch cocked an eyebrow. "Do you have any first-aid?"

"No," I say. "I kind of went on a wild goose chase."

Haymitch scowls. "Well, make good use of your time and go find me one!"

I turn around and leave. I've pretty much memorized this part of the forest by now. I find the remains of the missile launcher that guarded MUSGL. I keep walking for a few minutes and I reach 'the field' that Steve mentioned.

The missile launcher simply marked the edge of this huge field of more missile launchers, guns, and blasters of death and despair.

**A/N: Sorry, this one was not too funny either. This chapter was mainly for plot development.**

**ITEM ENTRIES (From now on, MUSGL will only mention items submitted for the current chapter):**

**Soup from Icy-Zoe**

**Starship Model from UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND**

**Katniss Photo from Blazefire02**

**Murple Purple Elephant from Blazefire02**

**Slimfast Weightloss Can from Blazefire02**

**iPad with no service from Blazefire02**

**Water Gun from Sir Bagelio  
**


	7. Steve's Challenge

**A/N: With most of the current plot development aside, I'll be focusing more on humor this chapter. Also, send in more reviews. I demand it! I LOVE REVIEWS! THEY ARE GOOD THINGS!**

**Also, somebody mentioned Katniss coming into the arena. I was considering the same thing, but if she comes in, it would be in a much later chapter. Anyways, to the story now...**

**Effie's POV**

I watch the screen. Peeta Mellark has been advancing rather cheerfully, afraid of almost nothing. His table manners have only slightly improved, but that's only because he was threatened at gunpoint earlier.

Katniss Everdeen was supposed to be 'smiling for the camera' but she refused to cooperate. She only kept crying about being forced to watch Peeta be alone in the random forest. I sent a picture of Katniss crying to Peeta, but he hasn't broken down like I intended him to. Instead, he's been holding onto it as a token.

Peeta Mellark is a douchebag and I hate him.

In particular, this isn't being aired only to Katniss, but all over Panem to help convince people to use good table manners. I convinced Beetee to be my minion to help air this everywhere by paying him chocolate chip cookies. He'd do anything for those. I call this show 'Intense Peeta,' because, of course, it is rather intense.

**Peeta's POV**

There is no way I'm going to get through this death trap. What am I going to do? Four gifts fall from the sky.

I open the first one and find a chainsaw. Would I need to carry out a chainsaw massacre or something to get past all the missile launchers and guns? That's certainly not my style. I tear open the rest of the gifts rather quickly. The second one contains a hairbrush. I really wonder what state my hair is in right now. I need a mirror. The third one is a real Wikipedia logo. The fourth one contains two CDs. Could I use some of these to my advantage?

I take the chainsaw, rev it up, and charge straight down the hill towards the field. I wonder what Katniss is thinking right now... Why am I thinking of Katniss at a time like this? Do I really care that much about what she thinks?

I trip over a conveniently placed twig and the chainsaw goes flying. Welp. The chainsaw hits a missile launcher and a huge explosion occurs. The chainsaw goes flying back off into the forest to who-knows-where. I guess it's a good thing I didn't try to hit a missile launcher with a chainsaw.

As I get back up onto my feet, I notice that a few other missile launchers have locked onto me. Several missiles blast towards me. I try to move, but it's useless. They're apparently heat-seeking. I chuck the Wikipedia logo at them, triggering a chain reaction of explosions. I need to dispose of this missile launchers somehow. I spot a random record player in the midst of all the death traps and begin running towards it, with an idea.

The missile launchers slowly begin reloading. I'm running out of time. I dive and toss one of the CDs towards the record player, but I miss. Darn. It's like that thing where you have to toss rings into the stand thingy, but with the difficulty multiplied by ten. I toss the second CD onto the player and it makes it on, but only just. Apparently I did something wrong because the record begins to play backwards. Instead of having the missile launchers dance like I intended, they're only getting annoyed. They all destroy each other. That wasn't quite the result I intended, but who cares? I'm still alive and all the missile launchers are gone. With only an 'extremely lethal' weapon known as a hairbrush, I trudge onwards.

I find some floating guns which seem similar to the ones that threatened me when I tried to eat the soup. They fire bullets at me. I swat them aside with my hairbrush. I hope it's still usable after this. Reminded of the conditions of my hair, I feel it. It feels a little roughed up. I decide to comb it using the hairbrush. Who cares about life? The conditions of your hair can be more important at times, especially if you're probably being watched by lots of people.

After combing my hair for a few minutes, I put the brush away. I give a dazzling smile. The guns are still pointed at me, but they haven't fired since I started to comb. I guess Effie approves of looking all formal when you go out to eat or something. Like I'm going to eat anything. Maybe I should eat something, just for the emphasis. I take out the six-inch starship model and take a large bite out of it. "It tastes like PLASTIC," I snarl. This starship does not taste nearly as good as the stainless steel water gun did, but just for the cameras, I eat the entire model.

I look at the guns, waiting to see their reactions. They're still pointing at me, but still no bullets. I gently bat one with a hairbrush. I grin. "Well? What do you think?" No response, because guns can't talk.

I simply continue walking. The guns don't try to stop me, so I guess Effie approves. I reach a hill on the charred, ashy, black landscape. I guess it got like this from the constant blasting of the missile launchers. Once I get to the top of the hill, I decided to take a look around. Where is Steve and his helicopter? I wanted to hug them. I really needed a hug. I miss Katniss. I wonder if helicopters like hugs too, or if any inanimate object did. I don't particularly think that bread likes being eaten either... Wait, what? I'm starting to care about inanimate objects? I think I must be starting to go insane out here or something.

At the bottom of the hill, I find a random refrigerator. What's the point of a refrigerator that I have no use for? Suddenly, I come to a realization. I hug the refrigerator to make us both happy. But it's cold. Very cold. Like the lacking of Katniss in this situation because I'll probably never see her again.

I collapse to my knees and slap my own face several times. "No! No! No! It can't end like THIS!" The refrigerator is probably thinking that I'm crazy. Oh, wait, refrigerators can't think. That must mean I'm actually crazy. What is wrong with me?

I've hardly ever cried before, but if there's any time for me to cry, it's now. I let myself gush. I'm being emotionally broken down by a REFRIGERATOR. I think I must be losing my bearings on sanity because of love. I pull myself together. "Stupid refrigerator. I will never love YOU." I kick the refrigerator, only to hurt my foot. I'm losing to a refrigerator. Still teary, I run away from the hill, away from the refrigerator, away from the forest. I trip facefirst into an ashy pit of mud. Now I certainly don't look handsome.

I hate refrigerators. I spin around and charge right back at it. I dive and give it a tackle. I hope it's feeling lots of pain right now for making me look ugly in front of Katniss if she was somehow watching me. Wait, refrigerators don't feel pain. I need an antidote for whatever insanity is overshadowing me. If anything, I certainly look crazy.

I hear the faint sounds of a copter propeller. Here comes Steve. He'd better have my prize after I went through all this.

I turn around and watch Steve walk out of the roaring copter. Unfortunately, it hasn't landed yet, so he falls and hurts himself. The helicopter lands right on top of him. Steve grunts in pain. I yank Steve out from under the helicopter. "So, Steve," I say. "What's my prize?"

Steve pulls out a package. "This first aid kit, he says." He hands me it. I look into his eyes through the fake glasses. They look strangely familiar. He seems eager for something. Suddenly his eyes flit wide open in surprise. "LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" He yells.

I turn around. "Huh?" I say. Wait, what? I turn back around. Steve snickers.

"Gotcha," he says. That was kind of pointless.

"So, anyways, is it dead?" I ask.

"Is what dead?" Steve says, confused.

"The refrigerator?" I say. Ugh, I have to remember that refrigerators have no lives. I'm going insane for sure, stupid...

Steve eyes the refrigerator, which I had knocked onto its side. "Let me check for it's pulse," he says. He sits down beside the refrigerator and presses along it's back. "Yep, it's dead."

"WOO!" I scream in joy, jumping into the air. Wait, had I forgotten about refrigerators not being alive already? I really, really need to get a grip.

Steve begins to climb into his copter. I notice something in his hands. I recoil in surprise. The photo of Katniss! "Hey, wait a second!" I say. "Don't take MY photo!"

Steve shrugs. "Well, it's mine now. I took it while you were looking towards the alleged distraction. I was hoping that you'd be dead by the time you got here, but you're only muddy. Goodbye."

For whatever the reason, Steve wants me dead. I grab the landing rail of the copter as it lifts off the ground. Steve glares at me. "You're real desperate to satisfy your sexual needs, aren't you?"

"Well, she's my Katniss! I cared for her for two games, and it seems that she loves me!" I yell over the roar of the helicopter.

"She likes me too!" Steve says. "Her love for you was forced!"

I reach up to the floor of the helicopter with one hand. Steve kicks my hand away. My hand retreats back to the landing rail. "She cried for me when I 'died,' so she at least cares for me. And she likes you? I've never heard about you in your life... What's your last name?"

Gale removes his fake glasses. "Hawthorne."

My grip from the helicopter releases and I begin to fall two hundred feet towards my doom.

**A/N: This is starting to get fluffy... Should I change the categories to Humor/Romance? Also, don't just submit gifts, please also tell me what you think about each chapter! Thanks!**

**CDs from LunaPadma**

**Wikipedia Logo from LunaPadma**

**Hairbrush from LunaPadma**

**Chainsaw from LunaPadma**


	8. Peeta Goes Scary

**A/N: THIS IS THE SCARIEST CHAPTER OF ANY FANFIC YOU WILL EVER READ IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! MAYBE.**

**Peeta's POV**

Hades grins. "ANOTHER DEAD PERSON! Haymitch swore he would kill you, but he can take back his swear now that you're dead, Peeta." I look around. Nothing but blackness and void. So this is what it's like to be dead. Seems boring. Now that I have direct access to the God of the Dead, I might as well ask him some questions that I'm utterly curious about.

"Hades, I know you've tried to kill me twice, but, I want to ask you a few questions," I say nervously.

Hades nods grumpily. "Go ahead."

"Was I really on camera in that arena?" I ask.

"Yes, you were," Hades says. "You were aired all over Panem. Effie has Beetee working for her, driven by cookies. Katniss is crying her heart out. But you can't do anything about it, because you're DEAD."

I cringe. As to quickly make myself forget, I brush my hair. It's absolutely perfect in the world of the dead. "Is there any way to come back to life?" I ask eagerly.

Hades scoffs. "Well, no. However, you have the option to become either a zombie, who desperately wants to eat brains, or a ghost, where you have to haunt people." I scratch my head. I once again feel my hair. I make an attempt to mess it up. It somehow remains perfect. Hades notices and grins. "If you DO come back into the real world, you won't have that kind of perfect hair." I gasp in shock. Oh well, no Katniss to be found in here, so I might as well leave.

"I'd like to be a ghost," I say. I don't really want to eat Katniss's brain.

"Whatever, I do this so many times a day..." Hades says. He makes a swift movement with his hand and I get warped back into the real world. I appear above myself, who crashed headfirst into the refrigerator.

I hate refrigerators.

I try to kick it, but my transparent leg goes straight through it.

I hate being a ghost.

I get the feeling of moving about. Apparently, I can go extremely fast and have a very good sense of location. I take myself to Haymitch, who's still lying on the ground in the same spot. He sees me. "Am I actually drunk?" He says.

"No," I say. "This is my ghost. I'm dead."

Haymitch gets to his feet. "So Peeta's dead, huh? Well, I feel better already! Now where's that first aid kit at so I can fully heal myself?" I wonder what Katniss thinks of Haymitch's comments... And I wonder why I'm so self-conscious all of the sudden. Is this driven by my recent insanity caused by depression?

"Follow me," I say. We head to the roasted field.

"This looks inviting," Haymitch says. Everything goes fine until we reach the floating guns. Now that I think about it, I should have destroyed them when I still had the chance. I can't do anything to them as a ghost. "How about you scare them away?" Haymitch suggests. I'm immune to the bullets. That and fast travel gets me thinking... Maybe I could haunt Effie.

I float in the middle of the guns. "LOOK AT ME!" I scream. The guns shoot at me, but only end up simultaneously hitting and destroying each other. How convenient.

"Not quite what I had in mind, but whatever," Haymitch laughs. We continue on until we reach my crash site. The first aid package was knocked to the side. I give Haymitch a thumbs up and he goes over and begins applying ointment and various other things to himself.

"Haymitch, how did you witness the 38th Hunger Games?" I ask. "Just wondering."

Haymitch raised both of his eyebrows. "My mother shoved a TV up her-"

"If you say so," I say. "Now, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Go haunt Effie?" Haymitch guesses. "Go do it!"

I leave Haymitch to do his thing as I zoom off to search for Effie's HQ in the Capitol. I find it rather quickly because Sir Bagelio is too lazy to write about a pointless search scene at the moment.

I poke my head out just enough from the floor in Effie's office area to see her. Effie paces about her room, looking furious. I guess she really does hate me, not to mention her wig for today looks horrible. Yuck, orange and purple don't really mix.

I head to a different room to check on Katniss. She's staring at the TV, which has one scene permanently focused on my dead body, stuck in that stupid refrigerator. She looks as if she's frozen in shock, refusing to take in the reality. How cliche. As to not agonize her further, I hide and don't show my face.

If I wanted to, I could stay here and stare at the back of her beautiful hair all day, but that would be perverted and Haymitch would be wondering where my ghost went. Well, actually he'd be happy I'm gone, but I should come back just to annoy him for all he's done. And maybe even to find a way to come back to life.

I return to Effie's office area to do one last thing before I go. "Boo," I say. Effie screams and runs out the door, probably to whine to someone. If she tells Katniss, then she wouldn't believe her, because she's actually smart. But I DO exist. I float towards the room that Katniss is in and notice that metal braces hold her arms down. She's being forced to watch that TV. No wonder. If she was free, then she could have beaten up Effie and gotten the heck out of here long before now. I wish I could help her somehow, but being a ghost I can't touch anything. I decide to make my leave and I begin to make my way back to Haymitch just as Effie comes in to whine.

I'm almost out of the Capitol when I come across a ghost's worse nightmare. The Ghostbusters. Before I could flee, I could feel the force of a vacuum pulling me. I desperately attempt to zoom in the opposite direction. But, of course, Ghostbuster technology is much more advanced than it was back when the movie came out. I'm sucked in.

I find myself warped into a laser grid. I'm in solitary confinement for good. Well, actually, I've been in 'solitary confinement' all this time - I've been dead. It's not like I was ever going to get out of that arena, anyways. I couldn't have... could I? Surely the force field around it would have evaporated or at least shut down after almost thirty years?

I don't want to be a ghost anymore. I want to live. I have the will to live! I'm going to live, whether Hades likes it or not!

A light out of nowhere shines on me. "You will not," someone says. "It is against the laws of nature."

"So is reading minds and being a God. Does nature enforce THAT?" I spit at the floor. Ghost spit, at least. It shoots straight through the floor. I get an idea, so I spit at the upper end of the light. The spit goes through the ceiling, and the light went out like, well, a light. A roaring sound is heard. I guess I really ticked him off. Everything goes black.

**A/N: Yeah, that was kind of a short chapter. But it's 3:00 AM here and I'm tired, so good night. I'll probably write another chapter or two tomorrow. Sorry I couldn't get any gifts in this chapter either, I'll catch up with everything in the next chapter!**


	9. Meet Mary Sue

**A/N: Sorry for the slightly late update... I had a few account problems.**

**Peeta's POV**

The silver glints of the evil refrigerators are unmistakable. These refrigerators are out for me, and they want to kill my face. I dash through the trees, branches scraping against my sides. I can't make out where the silver monsters are until they all surround me in a circle, closing in. I'm doomed to becoming refrigerated...

I give a shout and wake up with a start. I yank my head out of a refrigerator. I literally jump five feet in the air at the sight of it, until I realize it's not alive. I still need a grip on my sanity. Speaking of getting a grip, how will I do that? Have I been hopelessly separated from Katniss too long out here?

What the heck happened, anyways? I check myself. All in one piece. Solid. I guess that means I'm not a ghost anymore. I can barely remember anything from when I was a ghost. Let's see, I discovered where Katniss was, scared Effie, got captured by the Ghostbusters, spat at Hades, and now I'm here and alive? I guess I ticked Hades off enough so that he's letting me come back to life, but I don't think he's going to let me off like that if I die again.

I've already died twice, and both of the times I've come back to life were by flukes of luck. I don't even remember the way to the Capitol or the way out of this arena from when I was a ghost.

I rub my temple, feeling muddy, hurt, and disgusting. I examine my surroundings. Haymitch left the first aid behind, but there's no sign of him anywhere in the charred black field.

I brush as much mud off myself as I can. Most of it just sticks to my hands. I need water to become completely clean. Time to head back to the spring in the forest. I pick up the first aid kit with my muddy hands and begin walking back towards the forest. I've spent more than enough time in this ashy field forged by missiles.

It's only been a single day, yet it seems as if I woke up days ago. I look at the sky. The sun is setting, I still don't have anywhere to sleep, I don't know where the heck Haymitch is, Gale has that photo of Katniss, and I'm starting to go insane. Great. If I do anything, I need to get that photo back so I won't go completely insane overnight or something.

I head through the forest to the spring. I take my clothes off and I bathe. I'm only wounded in the head, but I make sure to submerge it as to clean it out. Once I'm clean and dry again, I put my clothes back on and apply some of the first aid to my head. Now what? I don't know where Gale is.

"Never fear!" Someone says. A girl swings from a random vine, jumps, does a flip, and lands square on her feet. She's nice looking, and she seems perfect. Too perfect. "My name is Mary Sue," she says. "Nice to meet you, Peeta. With my super mind-reading powers, I sense that you need to find Gale! FOLLOW ME!"

I scratch my head, confused, as she runs off to somewhere into the woods. I heard from some people back in District 12 that we're all trapped inside of novels and fanfictions, and we're under the influence of many, many writers. I've heard of one in particular, Suzanne Collins, who created our universe. I guess she's Zeus's mother or something.

"Hey, are you coming or not?" Mary asks, grinning. Very cheerful, barely shaken by anything. This is quite a unique girl. I begin to follow her when I trip over yet another conveniently placed twig. She catches me before I hit the ground. "I'm not letting you get hurt at all," she says. Sheesh. Really fast reflexes. "You bet," she says. Mind reader. I don't think I'd be able to die with her around, even if I tried to kill myself.

Mary Sue leads me to the giant toaster. "Gale's in THERE?" I ask, baffled. What would he be doing in a toaster?

"Well, yes," Mary says. "Let me have that bronze sword of yours. I need it to keep my perfection up." Whoa, I almost completely forgot about Riptide. I had it to her. "Thank you," she says. "See you later." She walks off. Something seems incomplete, though. It's almost as if she has something planned. But why would she do that? She doesn't seem to want to have any business with me. Oh well, now I know what all these weird "story writers" mean by "Mary Sue." I guess she's real famous and admired. Or maybe not, I always hear people calling others Mary Sues. I even heard she could shapeshift into many forms, including a vampire named Edward Cullen. She could only shapeshift into a person or thing if it had the qualities of a Mary Sue. Spooky.

Gale awaits in the toaster. I'll have to flush him out, then I'll grab the photo and get the heck out of this area if I can't decapitate him. I climb to the top of the toaster and hit the button. Haymitch flies out.

"What? Where's Gale?" I shout in confusion as Haymitch makes an impact on the ground.

"Elsewhere," Haymitch says. "And if you see a Mary Sue, don't trust her!" I recoil slightly in shock. I see something orangish and globby flying up overhead and beginning to fall.

"Whoa! WHAT'S THAT?" I say, pointing to it. Haymitch looks up and steps backwards. The orange thing lands right in front of him.

It's vomit.

"Well, Haymitch, what happened this time?" I mock.

"This girl named Mary Sue led me to the toaster, claiming there was a drink there. She was kind of right, seeing that there was a gift on top. We climbed up there, opened it, and it was a bottle of beer. I was about to drink it when she shoved me straight into the toaster!" Haymitch explained.

"So, what about the vomit?" I ask.

Haymitch makes a small laugh, then scowls. "Luckily, I still had the beer at hand, so to calm myself down I decided to drink it. Unfortunately, it was actually coke mixed with mustard made to LOOK like beer. And that's how I threw up."

"Well, that must have been interesting," I say, unsure exactly how to react.

The bushes behind me rustle. Haymitch's eyes quickly become wide as Moons. "QUICK! PLAY DEAD!" He screams. He drops down facefirst into his vomit. Great, I'll have to clean him up again later. I turn around and face Mary Sue, who has Riptide at hand.

"I'm too perfect for YOU to escape ME," she snarls. I was very tempted to bolt, but Haymitch was at stake.

"Why do you want to kill me?" I whine, trying to sound overly innocent.

"Hunting's considered a sport," Mary laughs.

"What kind of human hunts humans? Isn't that some form of cannibalism, except without the eating?"

"I'm not a human, I'm an it. What do you expect from a shapeshifter that can even change genders?" Mary Sue says. I quickly pick up a random rock and chuck it at her as hard as I can. However, her reflexes are amazingly fast and she deflects it straight back at me using Riptide. I duck just as it misses a place in my skull. "You cannot outsmart a Mary Sue," she snarls. What am I going to do? I look up and see a gift falling above me. Maybe, just maybe...

I begin to back up more slowly. Mary Sue continues to close in for the kill, raising riptide above her head. Once she's below the gift, I'm close enough to get cut in two, but I manage to jump back and avoid the death slash. The gift is a mere foot above her head, but she uppercuts above her head and knocks the gift backwards, as if she knew about it all along. I watch it topple off to the side harmlessly in the grass. "Do you remember what I said? You can't outsmart a Mary Sue!"

It's hopeless. She can dodge anything I throw at her. How DO you outsmart a Mary Sue, anyways? Can you even outsmart a Mary Sue? Then it hits me. I've once heard of a person named Gary Stu, Mary Sue's alleged "it brother." Does it take an it to defeat an it? I can't say anything or think about it too much, otherwise she'll realize what I'm doing. I think out with all my mind to Gary Stu.

_Come fight your annoying snotty it sister,_ I think with all my might. _What are you waiting for? Are you that STUPID? Get over here!_

A small yellow elliptoid materializes with a burst of light. It vanishes shortly after. Here is Gary Stu. My plan worked! Mary Sue turns around to divert her attention from me to her equally perfect and stupid brother. "YOU!" She shrieks. "YOU WILL PAY FOR EATING MY BARBIE COLLECTION THIS MORNING!"

The two clash, and with a burst of blinding red, they are both gone. Disintegrated, hopefully, or something stupid and cliche like that. "Haymitch," I say. "You can come back to life now."

Haymitch gets up, groans, and wipes the sticky vomit off his face. I pick up the gift, planning to open it later. We head back to the spring. Haymitch washes his face in the water. I sit down with the gift and look at the brilliant orange sunset upon the horizon. "Well," I say. "It's been quite a day. Where are we going to sleep?"

Haymitch grunts. "How about in the toaster? It was nice and toasty when I was in there. I could fall asleep without trying. There's also a nice, soft, furnished padding for a floor. I'll head there after relaxing in this spring for a bit. You find some more food somehow, we've both only eaten once today."

I nod in agreement. "Sounds like a plan." I take a drink from the spring and then settle to open the gift. I tear the wrapping apart and I find an elegant plushie of Katniss's stylist. What's his name?... Oh, right. Cinna. I wonder if anything happens when you squeeze it. I do so, and I'm blown away by what happens.

"I am not pretty. I am not beautiful. I am as radiant as the sun," it says in Katniss's voice. A wave of happiness and nostalgia rushes over me. I squeeze the plushie again. And again. And again. I can't get enough of Katniss's famous quotes. I sit there squeezing the thing for a few hours. Haymitch tries to get me up, but I hardly notice. He calls me stupid (or did he say badly educated? I wasn't paying attention to him in the slightest) and he left to the toaster. I finally stop when my stomach growls. I crave food. I wish I didn't have to do this. I could listen to Katniss all day. But the stupid Hunger Games always have to come first. It's what really brought us together, after all.

**A/N: Merry Christmas! This chapter was fun to write, especially the Haymitch-in-toaster part, haha.**

**Katniss Quoting Cinna Plushie from Blazefire02**

**Coke/Mustard Bottle Disguised as Beer from Blazefire02**


	10. Quack With Vengeance

**Peeta's POV**

I get up and begin making my way to the toaster. The sun's already down by now and the only way I can see is by moonlight. I'm no hunter, so I don't know how the heck I'm supposed to catch food. I guess I'll just head into the toaster and put up with Haymitch's scolding.

I think about my recent insanity. I don't feel any more sane than I did before I got that Cinna plushie. Perhaps it's not connected to Katniss at all, although I'm still craving for that photo that Gale stole from me. When did I start going insane? I think back, and I remember. The insanity started when I thought about hugging Gale's helicopter at the top of one of the hills in the ashy field, by that stupid refrigerator.

Could it be connected to refrigerators somehow? I didn't see it yet at the time, but I think I must have sensed it. I traced back to try to remember any history between me and refrigerators... I remember one happening, many years ago when I was only seven.

"Peeta! Get the peanut butter out of the refrigerator!" My mom said. I was confused for a moment. Who puts peanut butter in a refrigerator? Regardless, my mom was strict and I had to get a move on. I yanked on the handle of the refrigerator door, but it wouldn't budge. I continued to yank on it until the refrigerator begin wobbling. Was that a good thing? It wasn't when the refrigerator fell on me and crushed me.

I was in the hospital for days. It turns out one of my brothers had superglued the door for some reason. From that point on, I was scared of refrigerators and had nervous breakdowns whenever I saw one. My mom had to move the refrigerator into the bathroom before I could ever make any more bread.

So that's my history with refrigerators. If I want to stop my fear and insanity from being near refrigerators, then I'll have to convince myself that refrigerators aren't all that bad. I suppose I'll figure that out tomorrow. I need some sleep first. Now I have to think about the matter with Haymitch. The only food we have is the fifteen extremely salty crackers, which I suppose would be edible. It would knock us out real good, but we're going to sleep anyways, so I don't think it matters.

I climb up to the top of the toaster and I look inside one of the slats. It's bright inside, so I guess Haymitch has the lights on in there. The fall is long. I bitterly put one leg over the edge. I don't want to do this. How did Haymitch get in there safely in the first place? Well, there's no point in agonizing over it. I brace myself and fall into the toaster.

The bottom is surprisingly cusiony. I feel soothed on impact, which is weird because normally I would be hurt. I examine my surroundings. Haymitch is sitting against the cusiony wall between the two slats. There are a bunch of dials to the far left. Behind me is a really hot red area. I guess that's the actual toastiness itself. I toss one of the salty crackers into there as a donation to the Gods. I watch the yellowish smoke drift up and out of the toaster. I can only hope they won't pass out when they try to get a whiff of it.

"So, bread boy," Haymitch says. "Did you find anything?" I shake my head and prepare for the scoldings. He looks angry for a bit, but he gets over it doesn't say anything more. He's really different when he's sober.

"I suppose we could have the rest of the salty crackers," I say. "There's fourteen left, so that means we can each have seven."

Haymitch scoffs. "Well, I don't have any better ideas! Toss me some! It's the closest thing to getting knocked out and drugged I can get!" I hand him seven crackers and we both eat them. Blackness overtakes my eyes before I know it.

**-=+=-=+=- DAY 2 -=+=-=+=-**

Peeta's POV

I rub my eyes. Daylight pours through the slats of the toaster. Haymitch is still sleeping... or still passed out. Whatever you consider having too many super salty crackers results in. I do feel well rested, however.

I head over to the left wall of the toaster and check out all the dials and buttons. I don't want to press them in case I accidentally fry us or something. But why would you place all the dials and such INSIDE the toaster instead of on the OUTSIDE? It's weird. Oh well, I guess you could say that whoever would build a giant toaster has little common sense anyways.

One button reads "EJECT". That must be that button that launches us out of here. Haymitch has to wake up, anyways. I press it. Two platforms burst up under the two slats, then retract back down. The platforms are too far away from these dials to be activated, so you would need two people to get one out. Once I'm out, I could use the switch on the outside to launch Haymitch out. I plan to tell him my plan for getting out of here. I guess he already knows, though, since he's the one who had the idea of camping out in here.

I sit down on the warm, cusiony floor by the toasting pit and watch the flames lick about. The words _"Katniss, the girl who was on fire"_ play through my mind, but I push it away. I've lost her for good and Gale offers too much competition. I think about all the problems I need to solve today. Gale still has that photo of Katniss crying, so I need to track him down and get it back. I also need to fix my scrambled relationship with refrigerators. If we can fix everything, then we can begin devising a plan to get out of here and defeat Effie.

Why am I obsessed with finding pieces of Katniss when it's pretty much hopeless? I remember that I'm still massively in love with her and don't want to let her go. The Cinna plushie holds her voice and the photo of her crying holds her face. Speaking of that photo, why is Gale here? He doesn't necessarily have bad table manners. Did Effie bring him in to inconvenience me? Is he on Effie's side? More unanswered questions.

Haymitch yawns and stretches. "Come on, Haymitch! We've got a big, big, big day ahead of us!" I laugh. Haymitch just grunts and rises to his feet.

"I suppose you've found out the way out of here by now," he says. I nod. "Well, let's go, then. I'll press the eject button. You stand under one of the slats." I walk under one of the slats and brace myself as Haymitch presses the eject button. I'm blown sky-high out of the toaster. I look down and see the switch on the side of the toaster. Haymitch must be positioning himself for when I press that. I steer myself towards the button as the air rips against my face. I hit the switch with quite an impact. Ouch. I see Haymitch fly out of the toaster. I climb down and wait for him to land. He crashes into the top of the toaster and falls off the side. More ouch. I give him some of the first aid and we stand around for a while, unsure of what to do.

Haymitch breaks the silence. "Well, what should we do first?"

I say, "Gale has that photo of Katniss, and I'm driven insane by refrigerators."

Haymitch scowls. "For you, it's always 'Katniss this, Katniss that.' Don't expect me to help you find that photo." A small moment of silence occurs. "I could help you address that problem with your insanity," Haymitch says, snickering.

I shrug. "Alright. Let's do it." Haymitch takes the now empty bag of salty crackers and turns it inside out to form a puppet of a refrigerator. Haymitch has a mischievous grin on his face. Uh oh.

"Talk to the refrigerator and you can sort out your fears with it," Haymitch says, not really succeeding in obscuring his giggles.

"Well..." I say. "You should apologize for what you did to me before," I snarl at the refrigerator puppet. "You were SUPERGLUED!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's not my fault. Blame whoever did it. Your brother, probably," Haymitch says. All my fear of refrigerators disappears, because my family died in the bombing of District 12. That was easy. I wipe my eyes to get rid of whatever tears are trying to come out. I force a smile.

A panicked quack comes from behind me. The laser duck flies up and mantains a perch on a nearby tree. Ducks don't perch on trees. I guess it's really frightened. Buttercup the stupid talking mutant cat emerges from the bushes. "I'm hungry for DUCKS," Buttercup says. "And if you think I'm actually Buttercup, you're wrong. I'm actually a genetic mutt of Buttercup gotten from a random DNA thingy."

Haymitch pokes the mutt. Dead. The laser duck quacks victoriously. That was really random. I don't see how that helped with plot development whatsoever aside from removing an apparently useless character. Oh well. Why am I talking about literature now? This isn't a fanfiction.

"Welp," Haymitch says, shrugging. "You can go find that photo of your sweetheart. I'm going to go hunting for food." Haymitch walks off. I pull out the hairbrush and brush my hair. I'm going to crush Gale with style.

I look up to see a falling gift, so I catch it. I tear it open and find a nerf gun. This should be handing for raiding wherever Gale is.

I shoot a couple bullets out of the nerf gun to test it out. The bullets stop in mid-air and turn around to come back at me. Not good. This gun is purely made to kill me. I chuck the nerf gun at the bullets. They all destroy each other. Phew. I take a piece of the broken metal and I eat it. Lead flavored. Yuck.

I climb to the top of a tree and look about. I see Gale's helicopter navigating about the forest. Aha. It takes about an hour, but I eventually manage to get close to it's course. I shoot my grappling hook at it and pull myself up into the helicopter. No surprises such as a last name to stop me this time.

Gale's operating the wheel. He turns his head and catches my eye. "This is my copter," he says. "Get off. Now." I stand my ground. I notice the photo of Katniss crying, laying on a small table to the right of Gale. My heart leaps. It's what I came here for. I advance slowly. Gale continues to watch me. I get real close to him and the photo when he raises his fist to punch me hard in the temple. Just before he can beat me up, the weirdest thing happens.

The photo is ringing. Both my and Gale's jaws drop. "It's an alarm clock too?" I ask. "Well, that's really dandy." Gale picks up the alarm clock photo whatchamajig. He shakes it.

"Where's the off button to this thing?" He says, beginning to get slightly annoying. The photo begins to become distorted. He raises an eyebrow. The photo falls off into tiny smitherines to reveal lots of wiring. Gale recoils. Is Gale to wire as I am to refrigerators?

"This... is no photo," Gale says. "IT'S A HYDROGEN BOMB IN DISGUISE!" Gale flies the helicopter above the charred black field and drops me and the bomb off. I land in the mud by the smashed-up refrigerator. Great, now I need another bath. The bomb lands right beside me.

There's only seconds left before it explodes.

**Nerf Gun from UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND**


	11. Gale's Pigeon Problem

**A/N: To clear things up, you can send in as many gifts as you want. Just don't send in like twenty at once, haha.**

**Peeta's POV**

I've seen things in media about people who defuse bombs. They cut a couple of wires in a very short time and bam, the bomb is off. However, if you cut the wrong wire, you die. I have to try my luck. I don't have any better ideas.

I claw out a couple of random wires. I brace myself for a possible explosion, but it doesn't come. Instead, the timer begins to count backwards. The bomb turns purple and it begins yodelling. I dig my hands into the wire and claw out some more wires. The bomb bounces up and down, stretches, and flies up straight towards Gale's helicopter. Soon I will make an impact in the floor, and that's going to hurt like heck. I yank out some more wires.

"Oh, Susan. We'll make this the greatest soap opera of all time," says the bomb. I wince. I hate soap operas. Especially ones devised by the Capitol. They always look so ugly with all that plastic surgery. The bomb begins to spiral out of control. "YODELAHEEHOO!" Screams the bomb. What a nuisance. I look at the timer. It's apparently started to count backwards again. The helicopter is dangerously close now.

I yank out all the wires except one red one, which I'm guessing is supposed to be the death switch. The bomb barely seems like a bomb anymore, with the soap opera's volume raised to an annoyingly high volume now that I've ripped out some more wires. A cooking show is shown on the screen where the timer was. I prepare for impact against the helicopter, but conveniently Gale decides to open a random trap door. I fly straight in and crash into the ceiling.

I fall to the floor of the helicopter. Gale scowls, then sees the bomb. He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again and grins. "I've always wanted to watch this cooking show," he says, gesturing towards the screen of the bomb. I dive off the helicopter and aim for the mud. It's what saved me last time, even though it makes me look ugly.

I land in the mud. It's surprisingly deep. I get back up to the surface. All sticky again, I'm craving the spring. That bomb will explode in a matter of seconds. I look up at the helicopter. I see Gale jumping off with a parachute deployed. He lands on the ground and runs along the horizon. A huge explosion occurs and the helicopter is no more. A piece of propeller flies by me. Wow.

Now that I've sort of settled matters with the photo, I should go back and find Haymitch to see how he's doing. First, however, I need to go talk to Gale and find out why he's here. Maybe I can get him to stop fighting with me so he can join me and Haymitch on the way out of this place.

I dash towards where I last saw Gale before the explosion. I can barely see through all this smoke. I cough a bit, hoping it will clear soon. "GALE!" I call. I pick up my pace. He could easily be much farther away by now. The smoke begins to lighten. I think I can see him in the distance. I run towards the figure, who's huddled on the ground and having a coughing fit. "Gale?" I say, unsure if it's him. Gale turns around. It is him. So much for that tense passage.

I suppose he was too close to the explosion and inhaled some of the smoke. He coughs smoke. I pick him up and run back out towards the mud pit as fast as I can. Once I make it there, I'm out of breath. Gale continues to cough smoke. "Thanks," he manages to choke out. He manages to get all the smoke out of his system and looks at me. He looks furious, but pacified at the same time. He must have something against me since I kind of stole his Katniss.

"How about we make an alliance?" I ask. Gale looks angry and then thoughtful.

"Maybe," he says. "Do you know how I got here?" I shake my head. "Well, it all started when I was in the forest outside District 12, waiting for Katniss. For whatever the reason, she never showed up. Eventually, some evil pigeons picked me up and brought me here. I think they must have been mutt pigeons. I was dropped in that forest back there." Gale points towards the forest. "There was a pair of fake glasses and that helicopter nearby. And so, I came up with my alias, 'Steve.' I don't know where Katniss is or exactly who is behind this, but when I saw you, I naturally wanted to inconvenience you. I couldn't believe you fell for Steve so easily."

I shrug. "Effie is behind all this. Most this was the arena for the Thirty-Eighth Hunger Games. Effie has Katniss held captive. She must have made those mutt pigeons bring you here with that helicopter and stuff because she knows you hate me."

Gale nods. "I DO hate you. It was agonizing to watch you and Katniss on TV. I've worked towards her for many years, and you come and swipe her away in a second. Fabricated love, at first. And eventually she DID have some feelings for you. Ugh, it was agonizing to watch you two." I wince. "So anyways," Gale continues. "To my point. If you can get revenge on those mutt pigeons and bring their bodies to me, I will join you because you would prove you could actually fight and hunt. I don't think that will happen, of course." Gale snickers. "So get going. I'll be waiting right here for you. It may be a while."

Head down, I begin walking back to the forest to find Haymitch. What Gale said about me and Katniss was true.

**Haymitch's POV**

I sneak up slowly on the squirrel. Hands out. I'm real close now. It's as good as meat. Suddenly, pain shoots through my head and I fall to the ground. The squirrel bolts. Well, lookie here. A gift landed right on my head. It had better be some beer. I yank it off my head and sniff the wrapping. Yep, beer. I can smell it. It's a dream come true! My bottle is finally here! I tear the gift open faster than Peeta can make bread... If that's even fast at all.

What I find inside the wrapping of the gift is not what I expected. It's a Katniss plushie. I sniff it. Yeah, there's beer in there. It's so close! I'll have to tear my sweetheart apart if I want to get it. I hear faint footsteps behind me, but I don't give a crap. I need that beer!

I bare my teeth into the plushie and begin ripping it apart like an energetic dog with a stuffed animal. Stuffing floats out and about. I flail my neck about and watch the plushie's threads come apart. Many pieces fall to the ground with beer leaking out like blood. My beer. I dig my lips into some of the remains and sip the beer. The great taste of beer comes back to me. Maybe I'll finally stop being sober in a couple of hours.

With some pieces of fuzz and plushie still in my mouth, I turn around to see a very muddy Peeta, who's jaw is dropped. We stare at each other. Peeta blinks, his blond eyelashes fluttering up and down. He doesn't say a word. Some of the fuzz floats out of my mouth.

I did the equivalant of killing Katniss in front of Peeta. Oooh, boy. His eyes well up a few tears. I think he'd be crying a lot more if Katniss actually died. "Haymitch...?" Peeta says. I raise an eyebrow "Would you really do that?"

"Nah," I try to say, my voice muffled by all the fuzz and remains of the plushie. Peeta's eyes widen in horror. Apparently my 'nah' came out as a 'yah.' Peeta takes several steps backwards, seeming extremely depressed. He stops and looks thoughtful for a moment, and then his expression turns to rage. I guess he wants to kill me. Great. I spit out all the fuzz and remains of the Katniss plushie. "I said nah! I SAID NAH! The fuzz muffled my voice!" I exclaim.

"I don't believe you," Peeta says. This kid isn't going to be convinced. He takes out a hairbrush. A hairbrush! I scoff. What's he going to do? Brush me? I sit there calmly. The boy won't be able to do anything to me.

I'm taken by surprise when he shoves the brush down my throat. I hack and begin losing breath, unable to yank it back out. Katniss knew what she was doing when she began loving the boy with the bread. He really cares.

**Peeta's POV**

Haymitch is pretty much dead. Serves him right. No one should even suggest killing Katniss. I feel my hair. It's a little roughed up. I don't have the brush anymore, now that it's in Haymitch's throat which has been taking in beer for almost twenty years. Ugh. I should have shoved that photo bomb down his throat instead if I had the chance. I check Haymitch's pulse. His heart is still going, but it will stop soon when no more oxygen is in circulation. His brain is shut down for good. I'm going to leave him like this. Definitely. I walk off to begin my hunt for the evil mutt pigeons.

Where do pigeons usually stay in forests? Actually, that won't help, these are Muttations we're talking about. They'd behave differently, of course. I'll consider a strategy once I get clean. I head to the spring.

I climb in. The laser duck is swimming about. The mud is much harder to clean off than it was than last time, probably because I got much more of it on me. Since the laser duck is a bird, maybe it would know about the mutt pigeons. I take a drink (by now I've come up with a deviation of the 'bathing side' of the spring and the 'drinking side' of the spring) and dry myself off. I talk to the laser duck, although I doubt it understands English.

"Do you know about the pigeon mutts?" I ask. No response as I expected because, of course, ducks can't talk. "Well, if you do know, then lead the way." The duck tilts its head for a moment. Afterwards, it spreads its wings and soars to the sky. It reminds me of an elegant Mockingjay, which are spectacular yet common at the same time. I remember that they would always stop chirping to listen to someone's beautiful singing, like Katniss's for instance.

Speaking of Mockingjays, I've seen almost no wildlife about in this forest. Me and Haymitch have only been surviving off gifts and this spring of water. How has Gale been managing? Has he been hunting down what little wildlife there is? He's skilled enough to catch pretty much anything he sees. I guess I could ask him if I ever find the pigeon mutts.

I rise to my feet. The laser duck lands beside me. It's just me and this duck now. The pigeon mutts could as well be not anywhere in the local vincity. They could have a home in the Capitol, which they could have long since flied back to by this point. Gale was right, he'd be hanging around for a while. I think he'd be leaving to somewhere soon, though. He doesn't have the patience to wait for someone so inexperienced at hunting, like me.

I wish I had practiced hunting when I had the chance. I could have headed into the woods and gotten a set of bow and arrows and hunted with Katniss and Gale. Actually, no, I shouldn't have. Katniss and Gale got to spend their time together alone that they deserved, just as I spent my time with Katniss during the games.

Both of our times are up now, I'm afraid.

**A/N: Yeah, I need to focus on humor for the next few chapters. Thanks for all the reviews!**

**Katniss Plushie Containing Beer from Blazefire02**


	12. Katniss Enters

**A/N: Sorry for no updates for a couple of days... Oh well, to the story since I have nothing else to do right now.**

**Peeta's POV**

A gift plummets from the sky and lands on the ground, mere inches from my feet. It doesn't seem to have any ordinary wrapping, though. The wrapping is a pretty green with Christmas trees all over it. I grin and open it, eager to see what's inside.

A red carrot? Seriously, Effie? It has googly eyes, too. Wait, no, those are real eyes... IT'S ALIVE! Somehow, it seems familiar. I brush my curly hair for a moment, thinking. It's a Red Pikmin, some thingy from a video game in the Capitol, isn't it? It was invented long ago. I think it's immune to fire or something stupid like that. The Pikmin hops straight onto the laser duck's back. Unsure of whether to get rid of it or not, I simply trudge straight on aimlessly to look for any sign of the mutt pigeons.

Another gift falls in the distance where Haymitch was. Too bad he's dead. The Pikmin waves it's arms trying to get its attention. It seems annoyed. It points in the opposite direction from where we are walking. The Pikmin forces the laser duck to turn around, tightens it's grip around the laser duck's neck, and hangs on as they blast off with a burst of laser. Perhaps this thing knows where the pigeons are?

I have to jog to keep up with the laser duck. The Pikmin apparently isn't that too good of a pilot, so it's moving slowly, but I have to give it credit for not having crashed into a tree yet.

Ten minutes later, I'm a bit short of breath. The laser duck and Pikmin begin to falter and they finally land on the ground. I breath in large amounts of oxygen. Once I regain my breath, I look up to the sky. It's still early morning, and there are weird pears flying across the sky. Well, actually, those are pigeons. Pigeons that are flying straight towards me and probably want to kill me.

I look to the Pikmin to see what to do. It's just standing there... Ugh, seriously, why am I relying off red fauna for instructions? A human doesn't need plants to survive. Well, maybe except for trees and some Katniss, but that's different. I need to stop referencing Katniss so much, too. I'm practically becoming obsessed. So obsessed that I'm thinking about her when I'm probably about to die.

With the Pikmin and laser duck frozen, I turn and dash. Some of the pigeons come after me and begin to swarm about me like a tornado. I catch a glimpse of one's faint red feathers. Unless I'm going colorblind, pigeons aren't red. These are most certainly the mutts Gale was talking about. I guess red carrots are useful at all. If I die because it led me here, though, doctors are going to have to reconfirm their studies about whether or not carrots are actually good for you.

The mutts claw at my shirt and my face. I raise my arms up in front of my head for protection. Some pigeons from behind me dig their talons into the back of my shirt. I attempt to keep running, but I don't feel ground under my feet anymore. This is what must have happened to Gale, but he was hardly expecting at all. They brought him here and dropped him into this arena to help torment me, but what will these pigeons do with me since I'm already at the arena? Will they just kill me?

I'm above the trees now. I struggle, but the mutt pigeons continue to hold their firm grip. The grass down below is starting to get rather far away. The pigeons have me a bit above the trees now. So that's what they're going to do, drop me from a very high height to my death. I have no clue what's going on with the laser duck and Red Pikmin, but I don't really think they will come to my aid.

I look around to see the pigeons' grips on me. They don't have any grips into my flesh, just my shirt. My shirt? This gives me an idea. If I could slide out of my shirt, I'll fall back down to the ground. It would still hurt me, but it's better to fall sooner and lower rather than later and higher.

I struggle to try to retract my left arm towards my chest. These pigeons have a really firm grip. Taking your clothes off isn't necessarily easy when it is being somewhat stretched tighly and held extremely firmly by mutant pigeons. I straighten my left arm out and slowly move it down the shirt sleeve. The pigeons don't notice. That wasn't too hard, I suppose.

My right arm is much easier, since it's now facing more vertically because there's no more weight on my left side to oppose it. I slide my right arm through the sleeve. With the force of gravity on my side, it slides through quickly and my stomach queezes. I'm falling, fast.

Before I know it, I hit the ground. A searing pain shoots through my back with a small crack. I think I broke something. I clamber to my feet and look upwards. The pigeons have noticed I've escaped their grip and are slowing closing in on me for a second grab. One pigeon holds my shirt in a bundle.

This time I'll have no shirt to squirm out of. I have to get out of here now or it's Hades's Wrath for me. I look to where the laser duck and Pikmin were standing. They're still there, virtually unscathed with confused pigeons overhead. Motionless. Why didn't I think of that earlier? These mutts must be short-sighted or something. If I don't move at all, they won't attack me. Instead of looking at any pigeons in the eyes and challenging them, I revert my gaze and look straight ahead. It takes all I've got to stay rooted in my position.

Pigeons crash into the ground around me. Apparently they don't stop once they seem to lose their prey. I kick one with my foot. Dead. Phew. I pick up my shirt. It's way too big and stretched for me, but I might as well put it on anyways. It's better to have something rather than nothing. I try to put it on, but it simply falls over me. It's way too big. I manage to stuff the shirt into my pocket.

I hear angry and panicked calls from behind me. Apparently the pigeons that were still circling the laser duck and Pikmin have noticed that their companions that were fighting me have been deceased. I freeze again as some of the pigeons leave the group to circle overhead. My head is frozen looking at the skies above. Since I don't really have nothing else to do, I watch the pigeons' wings flutter about. What am I supposed to do about this?

Some floating thing emerges from the trees. I riskily revert my gaze for a moment to see what it is. It's a floating camera from Effie's headquarters. I bet she wants some shots of me with my shirt off. Suddenly, in front of a camera, I feel extremely self-conscious, similar to the way I did in the interview and other things at the Capitol.

Despite the pigeons above, I begin to raise my arm to swish my hair. The mutts begin to get agitated at something. I guess they're starting to realize my presence again, but WHO CARES? I'm in front of a CAMERA that's going to take my PHOTOS! I brush my hair, perfecting it. I heard girls really like boys that have strong builds, like me! A pigeon swoops at me, but I punch it out of the air. Now, I'd better look good for Katniss.

I look at the camera, putting on my most dazzling smile. The camera takes a couple of shots of me. I'm feeling it! I look directly into the camera's lense. The camera itself is mesmerizing. It flashes tons of different colors rapidly. I bet you could get a seizure from staring at that thing for long enough. It even glows, too. It's as if Effie WANTED me to see this camera, unlike all the other cameras that are scattered about this arena, too tiny to be seen.

Oh, shoot. Effie's going to use my pictures to torment Katniss. Nice going, Peeta... I have to stop this camera. I leap at the camera and smash it with my fist. It short circuits and begins fizzling.

The pigeons have definitely noticed me now. There must be several dozens of them swooping down at me. I bet Effie can't wait to see me squirm out of this one. I pick up the damaged camera and chuck it at all the pigeons. It explodes, killing the majority of them. Pigeons fall to the ground all around me.

The remainder of the mutt pigeons are furious now. They begin to swarm me in that same sort of circle that the ones that picked me up did. There's no shirt or standing still that can save me now. I dash as fast as I can towards the laser duck before the pigeons can get a grip on something. I pick up the Pikmin and stuff it into my pocket. I hop onto the laser duck's back to make another getaway. We blast off into the sky with the pigeons trailing close behind us.

My shirt flies out of my pocket. Some of the pigeons catch it and tear it to smithereens, wanting to destroy any trace of me. The only thing I have left to use is my grappling hook. Since I don't have any better ideas, I chuck it at the pigeons. It makes an impressive chain reaction, killing off many of them and leaving only about a dozen that still want to kill us.

I pilot the laser duck so that its lasers hit some of the pigeons. Flaming birds fall towards the ground below. I spit at one of the pigeons, which somehow caused it to spiral out of control and fall to it's death. I guess I hit its eye or something. With only two pigeons left, I sort of crash-land the laser duck into the ground. A tiny enraged Pikmin tumbles out of my pocket.

The two stupid pigeons get grips on my pants, but they can't lift me up. I punch their faces and they fall to the ground motionless. They aren't so strong after all. They were only in large numbers. I pick up some pigeon bodies to carry to Gale for proof and I begin to make my way back to the ashy field. The Pikmin is enraged since I didn't stand still. Oh well, we still got out alive, didn't we? The laser duck walks by my side.

Some bushes ahead of us rustle. I ready my fists since I have nothing else left to fight with. Some random guy I don't recognize steps out. He sees me. "Peeta Mellark!" The guy calls. He runs over to me and shakes my hand vigorously. "I am Sir Bagelio. Nice to meet you."

He walks alongside us. "Er, hello," I say, thoroughly confused.

Sir Whatshisface grins widely. "Do you know what the title of this chapter is?" He asks. What chapter? He must see the confused look on my face, so he explains. "You are in a story, and a story has chapters." Ooh, I get it. I'm a legendary hero in a fairy tale, or something like that. Oh well, this is real life after all, I just have weird prophets writing about me. "The name of this chapter is 'Katniss Enters.'" I freeze in my tracks. "Yes, that means what you think it means."

"WOOHOO!" I yell in joy, raising both of my hands in the air. "It's about time."

"Peeta, guess what?" Sir Bagelio teases.

I grin, eager for more good news. "What?" I say.

"I lied. You won't be seeing Katniss around."

My jaw drops. "But, but..." My eyes begin to well up in tears. I get a grip on myself and close it on the liar. I give Sir Bagelio an extremely hard uppercut to the chest. He flies up and randomly explodes in flames. He deserved it for lying about such a thing.

I trudge onwards, despirited. If Katniss doesn't enter this 'chapter,' then when WILL she enter? Will she enter at all? If not, will I have to go and beat up Effie to meet her?

We emerge out in the ashy field. Gale awaits in the same position I last saw him in. I walk to him and hold up both of the dead pigeons I was able to bring. He grins. "Wow, Peeta, you've really surprised me! Some of my skill must be rubbing off on you." I laugh. He notices the tears in my eyes and juts out his lower lip. "Aww, did those pigeons make you cry?"

Since I didn't want to admit to my arch rival-in-love what really happened, I just nod, but I retort, "You couldn't take them yourself."

He just shrugs. "I wasn't expecting it all. You, on the other hand, were actually looking for them."

"You're a piece of work," I say. "Anyways, we had a deal." He nods. "Follow me," I say. "I'll show you where I hang out." I begin to lead Gale to the giant toaster. The laser duck follows with the Pikmin on it's back. Even if Gale can be insulting to me sometimes, he's a great guy to have at my side. With his hunting skills, we won't have a shortage of food again out here.

"No shirt? Are you trying to impress someone?" Gale says, sounding somewhere between amused and angry. I shake my head.

"I lost it against the pigeons," I say. I pull the stretched thing that was my shirt out of my pocket.

"So what they said was true," Gale says. "You really are a good fighter if you're willing to lose your only shirt you have out here. It's going to be a long, cold night for you."

"Well, actually, where I hang out is kind of warm," I correct him. We arrive at the giant toaster. "This is it," I say. Gale's jaw drops.

"Are you kidding me?" He snarls. "I am not going inside of THAT." He clambers to the top and looks down one of the slots. I climb to the top as well. I kick his back so he falls down into the toaster. I jump down after him. He glares at me for a moment, but he looks surprised when he looks at the inside of the toaster. The laser duck arrives.

The Red Pikmin happily hops into the flames. This gives Gale an idea. "You still have those two dead pigeons, don't you?" He asks. I nod. "We can make them into our dinner. Might as well be resourceful when there's little wildlife around." He takes the two pigeons from me and takes a random pole from the back of the toaster. He sticks the pigeons on like smores and holds them over the fire, slowly turning the pole. This reminds me.

"Gale, how did you survive when you were still under your 'Steve' alias?" I ask him. Gale laughs. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy after all. I still wonder how we're going to sort things out when it comes to Katniss, though.

"Oh, there was lots of food in that helicopter. It was as if Effie prepared everything for me in hopes that I'd kill you off. I hated you anyways, so I thought, 'Hey, why not?'" I wince. Gale furrows his brow as if trying to remember something. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I found a refrigerator in that ashy missile field." He sets the pigeon smore pole to the side. "It was a foldable one, see?" He takes some white object out of his pocket and fiddles with it in his hands. It stretches into a full refrigerator, the same stupid one from the field. Now Gale's brought it here as a constant reminder of how much I hate it, even though he doesn't know. "We can use it for preservation, even though it's a little dinged up," he says. I nod.

"I have to go check something," I say. Gale just goes back to cooking the pigeons, so I take that as saying 'go ahead.' I gently pick up the laser duck and stand under one of the slots of the toaster. I squeeze it and the laser hits the eject button. We get launched out of the toaster and I use lasers to make a nice landing. I let the laser duck go back into the toaster.

I begin making my way to where Haymitch is. Along the way, I spot a glimmering white thing in the trees. I walk to it, wondering what it is. It's the chainsaw I used out in the missle field earlier. I yank it out of the tree it's stuck in. This could be useful later. I carry it as I walk to Haymitch.

Haymitch is still dead in the same spot. The gift lays unopened, squarely balanced on top of his head. Effie's a good shot when it comes to this. Since Haymitch isn't alive to open it, I might as well take it. I open the gift and find a button. Curious, I press it.

"YOU NOW HAVE SERVICE FOR YOUR IPAD!" The button screams. It begins glowing red. From recent previous knowledge, I manage to throw it away just as it makes a small explosion. Haymitch's iPad, still beside him, turns on to reveal a button labeled 'Beer Pong.' It's a shame for him he's not still around to see it.

I swish my curly hair as I naturally do once in a while. It feels a little ragged. I remember that I lost my last brushing utencil when I shoved my brush down Haymitch's throat. My hair won't fare well for much longer with a brush. Badly conditioned hair would be a horrible, horrible fate. I NEED THAT BRUSH!

Before I know it, I have my arm shoved down Haymitch's throat, reaching for the brush. His throat feels all gunky from all those years of drinking beer. Ugh. I'm getting desperate here. My hand scrambles around and I manage to grab a bristle of the brush. I pull with large amounts of force. I fly backwards with a slightly scrambled brush in my hands. It looks disgusting after being in Haymitch's throat for a while

With a chainsaw and icky brush at hand, I dash as fast as I can to the spring. I quickly wash the brush and smooth out the bristles. I sigh as I brush my hair. Once I'm content with my conditions, I begin to head back to the giant toaster.

It's been going on like this for a day now, scrambling about an arena solving random problems and doing random stuff. Some time soon, me and Gale need to actually do something to stop Effie. There's no way we're giving in to some old hag who wears wigs. We don't have any plan yet, though. I guess we just have to wait for our brains to do their thing.

Someone's hand clasps my shoulder, causing me to jump. I turn around to see an incredibly dazed Haymitch. His eyes are wide as he inhales large amounts of air several times. "Hello... sweetie."

I should have left that brush in his throat.

**A/N: Wow, this is the longest chapter yet! Well, now you have another person to send gifts to!**

**Red Pikmin from Blazefire02**

**iPad Service from Blazefire02**


	13. Gaymitch

**A/N: Just noticed a plot hole that I missed, haha. Peeta didn't have his shirt in his pocket after the whole pigeon thing. Also, I'll be proofreading my chapters thoroughly from now on to minimize all my grammatical errors. To clear things up, you can't send actual people as gifts, sorry.**

**Also, in somewhat related news, I got 95/100 points on a book project I did for Mockingjay! Of course, this project was put off until the last minute, at which point I stayed up until 3:00 AM trying to finish it. Oh well, I still managed to get a near-perfect grade. Since it was an ego booster, I felt the need to write that here... heh heh...**

**Now, about the story, I had to wait out a three hour car ride. Since I had almost nothing else to do, I decided to work on this fanfic. I worked on this chapter the whole time and I have to say, I'm pretty happy with it. Enjoy!**

**Peeta's POV**

"Sweetheart..." Haymitch repeats. I'm not his sweetheart. I don't like this at all. "Kiss me," he says.

"Uh, no," I say. "That's gay." Haymitch grabs me by the neck and chucks me at a nearby tree. My chainsaw flies out of my hands as I get an instant headache.

Haymitch picks up the chainsaw. "Kiss me," he growls. Agh, I'm out of here! I dash away as fast as I can with Haymitch revving his chainsaw. Eventually, I lose him. I need to tell Gale about this. He'll probably know what to do.

**Gale's POV**

The pigeons are pretty much done cooking. I set them aside and prepare to relax when Peeta drops in. He looks panicked. How did Katniss influence that lovesick idiot this time?

"Haymitch is back from the dead," Peeta yells, "and now he's GAY!" He tilts his head backwards, eyes wide, gasping for air. He's about to spurt more lines of his frights when a gift lands on his head, knocking him to the floor. Thank you, Effie.

I think of a solution to Haymitch's apparent gayness when Peeta rises to his feet, grinning at the gift. "It's for you," he says. He chucks the gift straight at the face and it knocks me backwards. Cheap shit.

Slightly annoyed, I sit up and tear open the gift. It's a fruitcake! Perhaps we could eat this later. Another gift hits Peeta on the head. Even from here by the flame pit, I can clearly see it's labeled "Peeta" in huge, bold red letters. I quickly run over and grab it from his hands.

"It's for you," I say.

"Really? I never would have guessed," Peeta says, slightly confused. I chuck the gift straight at Peeta's face.

He catches it.

It's not fair! How come he always catches whatever I throw? He smashed my face with that other gift so easily a moment ago. I rest my hand against the terminal with all the buttons and dials on it that controls the toaster. Since I'm kind of aggrivated right now, I'm not thinking and my hand slips, accidentally sending one of the dials spinning into many loops.

The flame pit roars. It begins to get extremely hot inside this toaster.

Oops.

**Peeta's POV**

I need to get out of here. I pick up a surprised Pikmin and chuck it at the eject button. I get launched out of the toaster. After the rough fall, I notice that it's shaking and beginning to turn a deep red. Gale's still in there, but it's too late for him.

The toaster explodes and pieces of shrapnel go flying everywhere. The refrigerator, now too damaged to function, lands beside me.

The door of the refrigerator opens and a dazed Gale climbs out. I guess refrigerators are good for something. "I managed to save the pigeons and the fruitcake," he says, holding up the smore stick and the somehow still intact fruitcake. I suppose this food will last us the rest of the day. "It's time we had lunch, anyways."

Gale hands one pigeon to me. We sit down and munch on them as we watch the burning embers of the toaster. If we don't find a way to get to Effie's Headquarters by the end of the day, then we'll need to find a new shelter. Gale was right, maybe this will be a long, cold night for me after all if we need to crash anywhere. That reminds me - I still need a new shirt.

Once we finish eating the pigeons, we rise to our feet. The remains of the toaster are only smoking now, so it seems pretty safe. I don't know where my gift went, but I think I'm going to be looking for a little while. I brush my hand through the warm remains of the toaster.

"I've got an idea for a cure to Haymitch's apparent gayness," Gale says. I raise an eyebrow. "Perhaps we could load up that Beer Pong game on his iPad. Maybe the connection with beer will bring him back to his senses." I nod in approval.

My hand brushes across delicate paper. I pick it up and here I am holding my gift which has my name on it in huge bold red letters. Purely dedicated to me and me only. That means not Gale, of course. My name is one of the greatest to grace this Earth, although I'm still kind of worried about how my parents spelled "Pita" wrong.

I open the gift and, and-

_It's a photo of Katniss dying!_

**Gale's POV**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Peeta screams. He puts his face in his hands and cries his heart out. Shortly after, he removes his hands from his now red face. Ooh, he's furious. He looks like he's out for blood. For all I know, he probably is. "Where is Effie?" Peeta growls. "I need to KILL her! Where the heck is she?"

"I think I know," I say, nodding and pointing to a random tree. "You see that tree over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, she's _not_ there."

Peeta's face turns redder, if that's even possible. He grits his teeth, snarls, and lunges at me, pinning me to the ground. "I AM NOT JOKING!" He fumes. "IF YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE AN IDIOT, THEN DO SO! BUT I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'LL JOIN EFFIE IN THE AFTERLIFE FOR STUPID PEOPLE LIKE YOU!" Y'know, I think he's lost it. He releases his grip on me and storms off farther into the forest. I follow, cautiously. Cautiously? Oh, come on, I'm not afraid of Peeta. Well, maybe I am afraid of the psychopath version of him.

"Peeta?" I ask. He turns around, crosses his arms, and gives me a death glare. "What's wrong?" I wish I didn't say that. 'Wrong' is an understatement. Peeta looks like a wreck right now. I also accidentally toned my words as if he was a baby. I really need to fix some of my habits and feelings against Peeta.

"Katniss..." Peeta said. Well, that explains everything. "She's, she's...-" I raise an eyebrow. "She's..." Peeta falls to his knees. What a drama queen. "She's DEAD!" He begins crying waterfalls.

"Dead?" I say. "How do you know that?" Peeta manages to hold up a photo canvas. I can only see the back, so I take it from him and turn it around to face me.

A sword is sticking through Katniss's heart with a pool of blood under her. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is open as if frozen in a scream of terror.

"What? No!" I yell, throwing the photo down. I can't bare to look at it anymore. "NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I fall down next to Peeta and begin crying waterfalls right along with him.

We're probably here for ten minutes crying until we hear a "Sweetheart?" Peeta stops crying instantly and his face assumes the angry red color once more. He rises to his feet and grits his teeth. Haymitch pushed the line already, just by showing up. "Kiss me," the gay guy Gaymitch (that's my new name for him now) says.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Peeta screams. "I'LL RIP YOU DOWN TO THE BONE AND STRIP YOUR FLESH! AFTERWARDS, I'LL BURN YOUR REMAINS AND PISS ON YOUR ASHES!" Gaymitch looks shaken. He backs up. "THAT'S RIGHT! GET OUT OF HERE! GAYNESS IS TOTALLY OUT OF FIT AT THIS MOMENT!"

Haymitch begins crying and continues to back up. "I..." Haymitch says. "I DON'T LOVE BOYS ANYMORE!" Haymitch runs off into the deep forest, tears rolling out of his eyes. He drops the chainsaw as he runs. I clap my hands and give Peeta a thumbs up. I don't think he noticed because he's still breathing heavily. I guess we won't need that Beer Pong thing after all. I think we'll be seeing the normal Haymitch again soon, anyways.

"What's the point of trying to move on," Peeta whimpers, "if Katniss is dead?"

"Well," I say, "we could kill Effie, but then we'd probably have pretty empty lives after th-"

Peeta bursts out crying again. I can understand his feelings. I sit down beside him, feeling pretty teary again myself. It's no use crying, but what's the point of not crying now?

A gift bonks Peeta on the head. He jumps to his feet, punching and kicking the air and making a motion that you would use to snap someone's neck. I guess it's only so long before we both go off the brink of sanity at this rate. When Peeta realizes it's just a gift, he reaches down and tears it open.

It's a nerf gun. Peeta picks it up, seeming slightly familiar with it. I guess he's received another nerf gun before in this arena. He raises the gun and pulls the trigger. A fireball shoots out and hits the remains of the toaster, lighting them on fire once more. "Lock and load," Peeta says, tossing me the chainsaw while he holds the flame nerf gun.

Haymitch emerges from the woods once more. Peeta points his nerf gun at him. "I've kind of reformed now," Haymitch says. "Apparently I didn't have enough oxygen in my brain for a while after you removed that brush from my throat."

"I thought you never had enough oxygen in your brain," Peeta says, fighting to stop himself from becoming enraged again.

Haymitch scoffs. "More oxygen than you, then. Come on, what's wrong with this picture? A hunter with a chainsaw and a banker with a nerf gun. Well, actually, a banker with a nerf gun makes a little sense since you would need to defend all of that cash."

"He's a baker, not a banker," I correct him.

"Oh," Haymitch says. "So a baker with a nerf gun. That actually makes no sense after all."

Peeta completely loses it again. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED?" He screams. "KATNISS IS DEAD! NOW JUST STAND STILL SO I CAN BLAST YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHOVE THE BRUSH DOWN YOUR SOON-TO-BE BLOODY PULP OF A THROAT AFTER I SQUEEZE IT TO THE DIAMETER OF A STRAW!" I guess I should get used to Peeta's recently received psychoticness, because we're probably going to be working together for a while.

Haymitch scoffs. "Katniss, dead? The girl on fire, finally extinguished? I can't believe it." He continues to push it. "The female of the star-crossed lovers, finally broken up?"

"Haymitch..." I say, wanting to defend Peeta. "Your mouth is like your ass. Nothing but shit comes out of it."

Haymitch opens his mouth to retort, but closes it again. "Bah. If Katniss is dead, then where's your proof?" I hand him the photo and he looks at it.

Haymitch scoffs. Peeta screams. "DID HE JUST LAUGH AT KATNISS DYING? OH, I'M GONNA PAINFULLY EXTRACT HIS INTERNAL ORGANS AFTER I REV THAT CHAINSAW AND STICK IT THROUGH HIS FACE, AND ONCE HE'S DEAD I'LL-"

"No," Haymitch says. "Don't be stupid. This picture is fake. See?" He taps on the photo and beckons us over. I come and see, but Peeta remains rooted in his spot. That photo has him scared. Haymitch shows me a line of text at the top. I bet neither me nor Peeta noticed it because of how caught up in the main picture we were.

"This is the trial version of Adobe Photoshop. To remove this watermark, buy the full version."

D'oh. I laugh, relieved of all the stress I've been enduring with Peeta for the past ten minutes. Peeta approaches the photo cautiously, as if he was afraid it would leap out and rip his face off. That's probably what it did to his feelings when he first saw it.

After a few more minutes, we finally got Peeta to look. He grinned the widest grin I've ever seen. Peeta suddenly looks enlightened.

"SHE'S ALIVE!" Peeta screams, crying tears of joy. He hugs me. I hug him back. This whole incident has been a bonding experience for the both of us.

To brighten our moods even more, a gift smashes onto Haymitch's head. Peeta's grin grows and he hugs me tighter. However, realizing the hugging moment is over, Peeta releases his grip. I turn to Haymitch, wondering what the gift is. He tears it open and a raccoon pops it's head out. It sees Haymitch and it viscously scratches his face. Peeta looks like he's having the time of his life watching Haymitch get beat up.

After a bit of scratching, Haymitch eventually chucks the package very far away using his powers gained from the bathroom plungers I've heard about. He takes out a first-aid kit and begins applying ointment to his newly earned wounds, along with some ointment to several old ones.

Me and Peeta turn to each other. "What happens now?" He asks. All of our current problems have been solved aside from Peeta's shirt. Haymitch is no longer gay, we still have a decent supply of food-

Haymitch grabs the fruitcake away from me and chomps the whole thing down. Never mind. He must have been really hungry.

I turn back to Peeta and answer his question.

"We have to find a way out of here and stop Effie."

**Effie's POV**

Even though it was short-lived, watching Peeta and Gale cry was totally worth it. They will be giving in to my table manner demands in no time! I just have to make them cry some more. Well, now that they've solved their latest problem, I should go torment Katniss while I think of more ways to hurt them.

I walk along the hallway that holds all of my captors. Let's see... Annabeth... Barney... Aha, Katniss. Wait, Barney is a neighboring room of Katniss's room. Maybe I should switch their room labels, just in case Peeta and Gale somehow arrive here. When they think they've finally found Katniss, they'll instead get eaten by a ravenous purple dinosaur. Sounds good to me. I switch the Katniss and Barney room labels. Brilliant. I enter Katniss's room with my latest tormenting device prepared.

I grin. My latest torture device is the Twilight series. I will force Katniss to read it and she will become a Twilight fan! Thus, she'll love Edward Cullen instead of Peeta Mellark and Gale Hawthorne. I open the first book of the Twilight series and begin the hypnotism phase by shoving the first page of the book in her face.

"OBEY EDWARD, HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND, PEETA IS YOUR ENEMY," I say.

Katniss shakes her head from behind the book. "Screw you, Effie."

I toss the Twilight series into the nearby trash can. Piece of useless junk. I need to come up with a torture method that actually works... Oh, right! I almost forgot! The photos of Peeta with his shirt off!

I head to my office to get the photos. I open my cabinet to find a slightly-opened gift package with the angry raccoon moving about, tearing the photos into pieces. I shake my fist.

"HAYMITCH!" I scream in frustration before the raccoon jumps up and claws my face.

**A/N: Sorry for the Twilight insult if you're a Twilight fan - I really couldn't resist. Also, sorry for all the cussing in this chapter. Now, if you haven't been reviewing, be a nice person and do so. It will make me very happy!**

**Photoshopped Dying Katniss Photo from Blazefire02**

**Fruitcake from Blazefire02**

**Evil Raccoon from Blazefire02**

**Flame Nerf Gun from PureAtHeart**


	14. Methane Muttations

**A/N: I'll try to update weekly now on every Sunday so everyone will have more time to send in gifts. Also, my computer's audio broke down so I'm getting a new one soon. Since I hardly have anything else to do, I'll write this for a while when I don't have any schoolwork.**

**Oh yeah, and you can make the gifts as random as you want. Remember, random is good!**

**Gale's POV**

Haymitch sits off to the side. Peeta leans against a tree, probably daydreaming about Katniss. I pace back and forth, pondering any way out of this arena. The black field and forest seem to span endlessly. From the TV at my house, the arenas seemed very large, but they feel a lot bigger when you're actually inside of them.

Two gifts begin to fall from the sky. One lands beside me and one lands beside Haymitch. I open up mine and find the books of the Twilight Saga. Ew. There's no way I'm reading that.

Haymitch opens his gift slowly and wordlessly. Ever since the incident with Peeta's freak-out, we've been mostly silent. Once he finishes opening the gift, he finds an issue of Sports Illustrated. Not just any issue, but a swimsuit issue. Haymitch flips open the issue instantly, probably to begin staring at girls in bras. Maybe he's actually worse than Peeta with these things.

Peeta looks up and instantaneously snaps out of his trance. Two more gifts are falling towards him. He leaps up and catches them both. He is the best catcher I know. Both gifts are labeled 'Peeta'. People certainly are rather generous towards him.

He tears open the first gift and finds a birthday cake. It smells like onions, so it must be onion-flavored. Peeta takes a whiff and his eyes get watery. I'm not quite sure if I'm right about this, but the candles actually look like sticks of dynamite. Thankfully, they aren't lit. I don't want to find out if I'm right anyways.

Peeta shrugs and opens the second gift and finds an elegant black tuxedo jacket. "Finally!" Peeta says, grinning. "Something to wear!" He yanks the tuxedo on, but it doesn't look right.

"Peeta..." I say. "You're wearing it inside out." I yank it back off of him and begin to fumble with it when I notice some mustard on Peeta's chest. Mustard? Was there a ketchup bottle in the tuxedo or something? I'm kind of hungry anyways, so let me see. I lean over and gingerly begin to lick the ketchup. Peeta must be feeling pretty awkward right now.

This isn't ketchup, though. It's blood. Not just any blood, though. I'd know this blood from anywhere. It's Katniss's blood. Instead of stopping, I keep licking. I don't know if it's because of Katniss or what, but I lick every tiny bit of blood off Peeta's chest and feel the sticky substance leak down my throat.

I stand up and look at all the drool I created on Peeta's chest. "Erm, thanks," he says awkwardly. I suddenly feel like a vampire. I have an urge for blood. I LOVE blood. I turn around and look at Haymitch. He's still looking at the Sports Illustrated thing, completely oblivious to what happened with Peeta's tuxedo and the blood. I look down to the Twilight books. I feel no hate towards them anymore. Rather, I actually have an urge to read them. I flop down onto the ground and begin to read the first book.

**Peeta's POV**

I use the wrapping from the open gifts to dry all the saliva off my chest. In all honesty, I don't know what was going through Gale's head as he licked that blood off my chest. Where did that blood come from, anyways? Did the tuxedo cut me or something? Can clothing even cut you?

Since the tuxedo has been mostly fixed, I put it on, feeling the warmth over me. I flick a flower that's in my breast pocket. Blood leaks out of the flower onto my chest. What the heck? Flowers don't bleed. Did Haymitch drug me or something?

As if in reply, Gale gets up from reading his Twilight books and leaps at my suit, pupils dilated. He licks my suit clean of blood. "What the heck are you doing?" I ask.

"Getting as much of Katniss into me as I can," Gale says. "I never knew her blood tasted so good."

"WHAT?" I back away from the sinister and creepy Gale. So the blood's been coming from this flower. Katniss's blood. The Romance Compartment of my brain (I invented romance because of how good I am at it) begins to throb. "You mean Effie had to hurt Katniss to get this stuff?"

"Maybe just a needle," Gale says. "Whatever, it doesn't matter to me, I like this blood." Well, fine. If Gale wants to be weird then I'm not going to try to stop him. I'm keeping Katniss's blood to myself, though.

However, as a slight test, I squeeze the flower. Like a lopsided fountain, blood flies out and majestically soars through the air. It lands on my onion cake. A tiny, high-pitched "FUCK!" comes from the cake. The candles light. Ooh, boy! Is it really my birthday already?

Gale leaps through the air and begins eating the cake, gulping down all the blood he can. Freak. This is my cake and my birthday. I kick him sharply in the balls.

"YOOOOW!" Gale screams, leaping five feet into the air. He turns to me and begins advancing, rage on his face. To divert him, I squirt blood at a nearby tree. His dot-sized pupils follow it to the impact. He charges at the tree and peels at the bark with his teeth. "OUCH! SPLINTERS!"

Another "FUCK!" emerges from the cake. How is my birthday cake talking? I'm supposed to eat it. As if it read my mind, the onion cake says, "DAMN YOU! I DON'T TASTE GOOD WITH BLOOD, AND NOW I'M PISSED OFF SO I WILL EXPLODE!"

No! My cake can't explode! That would ruin my birthday! I run over and blow at the candles as hard as I can. They refuse to distinguish. "I think you taste good with blood," Gale says, apparently having finished sucking the blood off the tree. He looks like such a mess. His own blood as well as Katniss's blood is all over his face with many splinters. He licks his face, leaving a clear trail around his mouth. "You should have been blood-flavored, not onion-flavored."

He stuffs the entire cake into his mouth and swallows it whole. He spits out the candles, licks the space around his mouth again, and burps. My birthday is ruined! A large metal gun floats down from the sky. Effie must think that thing with eating the cake was not necessarily good table manners.

I look at the candles. They're still lit. There may still be hope for my birthday. I just have to blow them out. However, Gale is standing between me and the candles, and if I don't reach them without the next few seconds, that gun will blast us to smithereens.

"The flower," Gale says. "Give me the flower. I crave blood." I squirt blood to my right. Gale goes for it. I dive for the candles and try to blow them out, but I have no success. What is up with these candles? I take a closer look at the candles. These aren't candles. They're dynamite.

The metal gun stops directly above me and points at me. I must be Effie's number one target because of how much threat I could pose to her. I look to Gale. Apparently I squirted the blood on Haymitch. Oops. He seems to be finally yanked out of the world of Sports Illustrated and is wiping at the red liquid on his shirt, irritated. Gale advances closer to Haymitch. "So, you're going to take me to the dry cleaners, hunting boy?" Haymitch asks. He then notices the floating metal gun and realizes that this means business. Haymitch takes a run for it, followed by Gale. I'm left alone to fare for myself. As if Gale would actually be willing to help me with his new blood lust.

What is wrong with me? My birthday isn't in a few months. I must have gotten a bit excited there. I pick up all seventeen sticks of dynamite. They kind of remind me of carrying wheat through the bakery. I push the thoughts of home out of my head. Worrying won't do me good. I toss the dynamite up in the air towards the gun.

I run as all of the dynamite explodes. Pieces of gun go flying everywhere. I rub my ringing ears. Effie must be more pissed than that dynamite onion cake right now. I look back to the crater of what was our spot for planning on how to get out of here. The Sports Illustrated issue is burning up. The Twilight Saga is still somehow intact, lying off to the side. Twilight books won't do much good to Gale's new 'vampire' habits, but I take them anyways. He'd probably suck up all my blood if I didn't bring them.

Feeling slightly more safe, I decide to wait by this crater. A giant gift falls from the sky. This has got to be something good. I walk over to the giant package, eager to have fun unwrapping this bad boy. I wonder what's inside. The package suddenly shakes and erupts into tons of pieces of gold. Wait, that's not gold, those are the shiny golden bodies of tracker jackers.

I'm not safe anywhere here.

**Haymitch's POV**

This kid's out for my blood. What did I ever do to him? I was minding my own business, reading Sports Illustrated. A gift falls from the sky above us. Ooh, goodie. I pace myself just enough to have it bonk Gale on the noggin. Success.

The aggrivated Gale sits up and tears open the gift. It's a unicorn pillow pet. Gale hugs it. How romantic and cute! As if searching this thing for blood, he digs his teeth into it and tears out all the stuffing to find a bomb. Well, that's just dandy.

We both take cover. The bomb explodes. I was expecting a crater, but it actually reveals an entrance to some sort of cave. Inside of that cave, there must be the answer. The answer to the question, "How the fuck do we get out of here?" I beckon for Gale to follow me into the cave.

Gale just shakes his head. "No. I'm not going anywhere until I get some blood and Twilight books." He's apparently given up on trying to get that blood off of my shirt. Maybe's he's starting to get a lick of sense that's enough to know you shouldn't try to hurt people. Gale walks off. Well, fine. If I have to go into this cave myself then I'll do so.

I begin to walk in and submerge myself in darkness. I run my hand along the rough stone walls and find a light switch. A light switch inside of a cave? That's strange but convenient. I flip it and the dark tunnel gets illuminated. I'm amazed by what I see.

This isn't just a cave, it's also some sort of underground facility.

**Peeta's POV**

I run as fast as I can. I don't want to face any tracker jackers again, no way. One swoops at me. I dodge it. The tracker jacker smashes into the soft ground and explodes. Whoa. Apparently these mutts have been muttated again. They've been infused with explosive methane gas. This only makes me want to run faster.

Some of the tracker jackers group up. I'm guessing this is to make bigger explosions. Several of them fly ahead of me and crash into the ground. Yep, bigger explosions. I cough through the haze of smoke, only being able to see about a foot in front of me. I keep running, even when one stings me. Crap.

Wanting to give up, I curl into a ball and close my eyes, ready to die. I don't want to see the visions. I don't want to look and see. Even with my eyes closed and shutting out the world, I can hear tracker jackers crashing into random trees and exploding. I'm stung several more times with sears of pain, but I don't care. I get knocked around by explosions from tracker jackers even touching a blade of grass. They'll surely just kill theirselves off. But I'm still going to outwait the venom.

I let three hours pass before I even dare open my eyes. Everything's fine, nothing out of the ordinary aside from hearing a couple of occasional strange and disturbing sounds while my eyes were closed. I feel my breast pocket. The flower's gone, probably from all the explosions. I look up at the sky. The sun is setting, signalling the start of the conclusion of our second day in all of this mess.

I examine my surroundings. There are many craters nearby, making a somewhat ashy clearing. Outside of the clearing, there's the usual forest. The flower lays to the side in a large pool of blood. I quickly run over and pick it up. There's no doubt that Gale would have sniffed this much blood from a mile away. He's probably coming right now.

Gale emerges from the trees. Yep, here he is. The first thing he does is leap straight into the pool of blood and begin drinking it. Big surprise, but Gale's behaviour is horrifying me. This is Katniss's blood, for heck's sake! There's not really a way I can reverse what Effie's done with the flower thing, though.

Once all the blood is gone, Gale gets up. He doesn't bother to wipe his lips, considering how much crusty dry blood is already on his face. Honestly, how do people find vampires sexy? This is disgusting and disturbing... Well, you get the point.

"Give me more," Gale says. What a bitch. I chuck the Twilight Saga at his face and he gets knocked back. Instead of angrily reacting, Gale just opens the book and reads it. Not quite the reaction I was expecting.

I walk away. I need to get rid of all the blood in this flower. Once I'm a safe distance from Gale, I hold the flower. I squeeze it somewhat cautiously. Blood squirts on my face.

"AAAAAGH!" I scream. "KATNISS! I'M SORRY!" I roll onto the ground and begin crying hysterically. Blood-hungry Gale arrives.

I give him the finger.

"Well, fuck you too," Gale says, approaching to lick my face. I'll probably freak out if Gale goes anywhere near my hair. I can't afford to get my blond curls messed up.

I jump to my feet and squirt blood into his eyes, squeezing the flower as hard as I can. Gale screams and claws at his face. The spout of blood begins to falter. Then it hits me. If there's this much blood, then Katniss is probably dead. But Effie wouldn't do that, would she? She still needs bait for me.

Gale, having given up on his stinging eyes, finally manages to pry the flower from my grip. He squirts the blood into his mouth, swishes it around, and swallows. I scream and punch him in the face, knocking him backwards. I bring my arm back for another punch when Gale shoves the flower into my mouth.

I make a muffled scream of terror as Gale squeezes the flower. I feel the blood on my taste buds. Ugh. It kind of reminds me of tree sap... But it tastes like Katniss. Beautiful. I'm not sure what flavor Katniss is, but this blood is great. Before I know it, I'm craving more. It's just irresistable.

"It kind of tastes like tree sap," I blurt out. Gale's eyes widen.

"Yeah. It IS tree sap. Why didn't I realize that earlier? It's just food colored and Katniss-flavored. Effie knew how much terror you'd be in, and-" For whatever the reason, we randomly burst out laughing at how stupid we were. We take turns drinking the flavored tree sap. We'll never have a shortage of good drinks again for a while. All is well until we hear footsteps.

"Who's that?" Gale wonders.

"Is it Haymitch?" I ask.

"No," Gale says. "He went looking for something in a random cave. I think he was looking for a possible way out of here. If he does find anything, he'll come back and tell us if he's not a selfish prick."

"So who is it then?" I ask. Gale shrugs.

A blond haired boy emerges from the trees. Well, actually, he looks almost exactly like me except for a few things. For instance, he's a little taller than me. If you loved me when you read The Hunger Games, then you'd probably piss yourself in love and longing if you saw this guy. I admit, I'm kind of jealous. He's three times sexier than I am - his hair is almost perfectly conditioned with smooth curls trailing down the sides of his head, he has a stronger build, and his gaze is confident. He has the same blue eyes as me and even similar clothes to what I had when I first got here.

"Who... who are YOU?" I manage to choke out.

"I am Tortilla Mellark, your alter ego. I was created from special DNA samples before you arrived here." He flashes a smile much more dazzling than I could ever do. Copy cat! There can only be ONE of me! It's just not fair!

"Why?" I ask.

Tortilla brushes his hair. "Effie wanted me to kill you."

Gale voices my thoughts. "Oh, crap."

Conveniently, we're by that tree I hid that super cute murple purple elephant under. I yank it out and hold it in front of Tortilla. He gets in a trance from looking at it's cuteness. Gale catches onto what I'm doing and sneaks around to behind Tortilla. He pulls out a frying pan, raises it, and smashes it down onto his head with a loud "clang!"

"Where did you get that frying pan?" I ask as Tortilla staggers about, slightly dazed.

Gale shrugs. "Let's just get out of here before his head clears."

We run for the hills, knowing that the refined me will soon begin to take pursuit. As we begin to leave the vicinity of the crater area, I swear I hear Tortilla mutter, "I'll kill those two, and maybe I won't need to have a stupid name anymore. I'll be the new Peeta."

**Haymitch's POV**

I've decided to set up camp outside the underground facility. I'm hoping bread boy and hunter guy will show up soon. It's been about three hours. I hope they're alright. Or maybe not, I wouldn't have to lug them along anymore.

I'm calm until I hear the grinding of steel against steel. Oh, boy! Must be a random incoming shipment of beer bottles! I look outside and sure enough, there are two large carts rolling towards me with tons of beer bottles inside. The only problem is that the carts are being towed by giant pencil sharpeners. Ooh, boy.

**Gale's POV**

My mouth drops open at the stunning truth. "OH, CRAP! I LEFT MY TWILIGHT BOOKS BY ALL THE CRATERS!"

Peeta rolls his eyes. Bother.

**Tuxedo Suit With Flower from Blazefire02**

**Twilight Saga from Blazefire02**

**Sports Illustrated Thingy from Blazefire02**

**Methane Tracker Jackers from Icy-Zoe**

**Evil Birthday Cake With Dynamite That Can Get Pissed Off from MegthextremeoverlordofdaWURLD**

**Exploding Unicorn Pillow Pet from PureAtHeart**


	15. Another Author's Note

Just to let you guys now, I still exist and I haven't forgotten about this fic.

But I've moved onto new and better ones... sorry. :(

I might come back to this story some time in the far future, though. 


End file.
